I recently posted a blog entitled 3 Reasons You’re Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men where I explain what an emotionally unavailable guy is and why you keep attracting them. In a society that tells men emotions are weak and to hold the pain inside, it’s likely that every woman will come across at least one emotionally unavailable man in her lifetime. But if we’re being honest, most likely it’ll be more. But some of us seem to be stuck in a twilight zone of meeting only men who aren’t emotionally available.
In my previous post, I explain why that may be happening to you and how to break that cycle. But I had someone DM me and ask what questions she should ask a guy to discover if he is emotionally available. I thought this was a great question. The only way to break a pattern is to first identify it and then make a choice to go in the opposite direction of what you’re comfortable with. So I want to help you ask the right question so you won’t fall for a guy who is emotionally unavailable.
Do you think you’re emotionally available?
The best way to get an answer to something is to ask directly. Asking him this will most likely catch him off guard but it’s a great question. If it’s something he has to think deeply about, then he probably just hasn’t encountered this question. This may mean this he is emotionally available so no woman ever had to ask but I would still wait for an answer.
If he says yes I am, ask him how he knows and to give examples. If he answers no I’m not, ask him what he plans to do about it. If he gets very defensive, that is a red flag because it means he’s deflecting and doesn’t want to answer. You’re wise enough to know if he’s emotionally available or not depending on the answer given. But even he if seems to be so, make sure his words match his actions because they both need to align for it to be true.
How do you feel you’re growing emotionally?
Since I’m really open about my healing journey, most men try to impress me with quotes like “Yea, I’m trying to be a better person too.” My response is simple, “How?” How is he growing mentally and emotionally? The thing is, everyone wants to be a better person but few do the work to actually become better. So the question is, how is he improving? Is he going to therapy, attending church more regularly, journaling, meditating, or reading books on healing?
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t just wake up a better person just because you decided to be a better person. He has to be doing things to work towards it. But before you ask him this, make sure you’re working to be a better woman also. It’s unfair to require him to be emotionally available and ready but you’re not.
Do you consider yourself compassionate?
In the last few years, I’ve met at least three men who blatantly told me they lack empathy and compassion. The first two were dating experiments that failed but I learned something. If a man lacks compassion, he won’t be able to comprehend his wrongdoing towards you. He’ll find a way to make what he did to you your fault and won’t be apologetic to you at all. I don’t know about you but I don’t have time or energy for that type of negativity. So this is a very important question.
To be compassionate is to have the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and show them grace and kindness. If he can’t do that then trust me, you don’t want him until he can. I’ve learned this firsthand twice. If he lacks compassion, he laks emotional availability.
What was your most vulnerable moment?
This is a tricky question and shouldn’t be asked too early. I’d save this one for after you’ve asked one of the previous questions because if a man doesn’t trust you yet, he won’t be very open about this answer. Emotional availability is all about vulnerability. How much is he willing to let you in emotionally? If you guys have spent a lot of time together and it still feels like you’re pulling teeth to get him to open up, ask him this. You can even go first to make him comfortable. If he gives you a shallow answer, it means he’s either emotionally unavailable or he doesn’t trust you enough with his heart to be vulnerable.
What did you learn from your last relationship?
If a man is reluctant to tell you about his last relationship, that’s a bit of a red flag for a few reasons.
1) He may not be over it and he’s tight-lipped because it makes him upset to talk about it.
2) He did something really bad and doesn’t want to face that so instead he avoids it and will most likely do it again.
3) He doesn’t really know what went wrong because he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to analyze it and grow from it.
So needless to say, this question should be asked. I wouldn’t suggest you ask it in the first few conversations or on the first date but definitely ask it early on. You want to discover how he uses past experiences to grow.
If he answers nothing, then he’s not it. When you’re emotionally mature, you will learn something from every single encounter. If he’s a bit shallow or blames his ex, he may still be bitter and you need to give him space to heal from that because he needs to be emotionally free when you date him. I know some people try to avoid asking about exes but trust me, you can learn a lot about someone from their past relationships. Posing the question this way gives a positive light to it because it assumes he is over it and has grown.