My dating history is stained with emotionally unavailable men. It’s like I was in a pandemic before the pandemic but mine was emotional Covid. I was constantly being infected with false hopes of a great relationship just to be let down when this man realized he wasn’t really about that life. I wish they had a vaccine for F boys but I digress.
I posted a video on @SingleWomanChronicles IG on Signs You’re Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men so I won’t discuss that here but watch the video for a recap. But I do want to cover what an emotionally unavailable man is. It is basically a guy who lacks vulnerability due to an absence of experience or he just doesn’t want to be vulnerable. These men are unable to connect with women on a deeper level so they lead with surface interactions and charm. If you’re like me, you tend to gravitate towards these men or they gravitate towards you. Either way, I want to help you stop this vicious cycle on your love life because it’s ghetto.
Let’s get this out the way…
Disclaimer: Just because you constantly to choose to date a particular individual, doesn’t mean that’s the only type of person you attract. At some point, you have to take responsibility for who you choose and who you are attracted to. You attract more than what you choose to entertain, so this is not a post about who you’re attracting. My purpose for this post is to address subconscious reasons you are attracted to unhealthy people and relationships. I always say self-awareness is the beginning of breakthrough. I hope to make you aware of some of your emotional blind posts in this post. So without further ado, here are reasons you’re attracted to and choosing to entertain emotionally unavailable men…
You’re a Hopeless Romantic
I was born a hopeless romantic and if I’m being honest, I hate it sometimes. I love love and I have chased it since I was born. It’s sadly ironic since I have a blog called Single Woman Chronicles which tells you I’ve yet to meet the love my heart desires. Don’t feel sorry for me though, I know it’s coming real soon. I said all this to say, this is a big reason I had a cycle of dating emotionally unavailable men. You’re probably thinking “That don’t make sense. If you’re a hopeless romantic, why are you attracted to men who don’t show emotion?” Because men who don’t show their own emotions will mirror yours. They’ll express to you the things you claim to want, need, and enjoy to get in good with you. All the while, they can avoid sharing who they are because you’re blinded by their charm.
Hopeless romantic also see everything through the lens of a romantic movie. We tend to romanticize things that shouldn’t be. We take small actions and internalize them as big deals because we want every moment to be and feel special. Unfortunately, most people don’t see things how we see it so we have to take off our rose colored glasses and put on the clear ones. There’s nothing wrong with being a hopeless romantic. The world needs more big hearted individuals like us. But understand in dating, we have to be intentional about being logical. See everything for what it is. Review your history in dating and see the things you’ve fallen for. Understand your pattern so you can break it.
Emotional Family History
If you read my blogs frequently, you’ll know that I am an overcomer of daddy issues. I grew up without my father in the home so from childhood into adulthood, I was searching for a man’s love. I entered therapy around age 29 and I was able to overcome my daddy issues. But in the midst of overcoming daddy issues, I discovered that I also had mommy issues. I spent so much time focusing on how the absence of my father hurt me that I ignored the affects of an emotionally unavailable mother. So I am now dealing wit those issues in therapy with my mom. (Prayer works you guys. I got my Mississippi momma in therapy. PRAISE HIM!) But my therapist slapped me in the face with a huge truth. She said…
“Ashleigh, you date emotionally unavailable men because that’s what was modeled in your home. That’s all you know.”
Well snatch my edges why don’t cha. We have to realize that we can receive information on what we deserve and who to pick all day long but we will ultimately pick what’s the most comfortable; even if comfortable is toxic. We have to heal from that crap before we can move differently. So many of us are dating emotionally unavailable men because we were loved by emotionally unavailable parents, siblings, friends, first loves, etc. It is your example but it doesn’t have to continue. You must identify the root, face it, recognize the signs of emotionally unavailable people, then become disciplined enough to say no to everything that looks like that in the future.
“We have to realize that we can receive information on what we deserve and who to pick all day long but we will ultimately pick what’s the most comfortable; even if comfortable is toxic.”
There’s nothing an emotionally unavailable man loves more than a female that moves extra fast. This means he can pull out his charm, get whatever is he came to get, then go back into his emotional shell like nothing happened. These men can get the most by doing the least. And the faster you move, the less they have to do. I’ve “lost” so many relationships early on when I started slowing down. It’s because after the first few weeks or a month, men start to realize the actual effort it takes to crack the code to my safe. Let’s be honest ladies, the safe is usually sex. If he can get sex quickly, why does he need to open up and let you in so you guys can have a deep connection if he already got what he wanted?
Don’t be mistaken though, there are some emotionally unavailable gurus. They can hold long term relationships without ever opening up. But you as a woman will constantly feel like something is missing because there’s no emotional connection. But to stop this madness, ask the right questions in the beginning and don’t be afraid to “lose” him. But is it really a loss if you lose a man who isn’t afraid to lose you? Too many times, we don’t ask the important questions upfront because we are blinded by the charm. It’s going so well and seems to be leading to something real so why rock the boat? I don’t know about you but I’d rather fall in the 3FT water than be carried out into the 12FT and fall out then. The earlier you discover the truth behind a person’s intentions, the better. Alexa play Aaliyah, let’s rock da boat. If he really wants to connect, he will want to connect deeply, not just move quickly. Ask questions and listen to what’s being said and what’s not being said.