Back in the day, I would get excited when exes decided to text me or call asking for one more chance. It gave me a sense of confidence that I wasn’t the issue in the relationship. I even did a little shimmy when I first heard Cardi B say “I like texts from my exes when they want a second chance” in her hit I like It. Needless to say, I used to get a bit of delight when men came running back. My thought process was if he returned it was because he realized I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Well, I’ve recently learned through maturity and humility that this is a big fat lie. Men don’t think like us so if they come asking for a second chance, it isn’t about us most of the time. It has everything to do with his mind, body, and ego.
A few weeks ago, I asked men on Facebook what was their reason for ruining relationships then asking for a second chance. Here were the top 5 responses…
As we know, men think with their other heads most of the time. If he thinks that you will let your guard down and give him sex faster because he is familiar, then he will definitely ask for a second chance…at them draws. Women do this thing where they have sex with their ex to keep their body count low. This isn’t the only option. You could just not have sex, easy. So if he comes creeping back in with sweet nothings, be aware that it may be for one thing. Pace yourself and be wise with the cookie.
Most men are controlled by their egos. This is why they’re constantly talking about how women need to submit and blah blah blah. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with submitting to a man who I can trust in a leadership position. But most of them think just because when they were born and the doctor said “It’s a boy” that makes them a man and we need to submit to them. Tuh, I digress because that’s not the point I’m driving home today. Many men return to see if they still “got you”. Some men take pride in knowing that you are extremely loyal to them and will allow them back in your heart just because they ask. Be smart with your second chances, not everyone deserves one.
HE NEVER WANTED A RELATIONSHIP, YOU DID
In many instances, men will tell a woman over and over again that he doesn’t want a relationship but they will ignore it and continue to try to convince him.
This leads to
1) a situationship filled with confusion or
2) him saying “Yes, I’ll be your boyfriend” with his lips but not with his heart.
Sometimes, it’s not necessarily that he doesn’t want you, it could be that he just doesn’t want to commit to anyone at the moment. In these instances, he will say “No, I don’t want a relationship” but he will still do relationship things. This may include consistently communicating with you, taking you on dates, and bringing you around friends and family because, in his mind, he likes you but that doesn’t mean you two are committed.
I know you’re sincerely confused right now but I need you to turn your female brain off and your male brain on. Men and women DO NOT think the same. A man can logically tell himself that he likes a woman but emotionally block himself from liking her enough to commit. So if he gave you a commitment but then ruined the relationship, this could be a reason. He could possibly be asking for a second chance because now, he is ready. Or it could also be mixed with boosting his ego and wanting sex too.
MEN MATURE SLOWLY
Men aren’t as dumb, they’re just immature in most cases. There’s a difference between the two. A man can understand what you’re asking him to improve but may not have the ability to do so. He also may not want to do so. A lot of things we want as women require a man to be mentally and emotionally mature which requires vulnerability and emotion. These are cuss words to most men because they see it as a weakness.
Asking your man to open up to you and show you he cares requires a great deal of maturity. If he isn’t mature enough to release his ego and understand that emotions are actually a strength, then it will cause a rift in the relationship. He could really like you and he may want to be more vulnerable and express himself more emotionally but he may just not know how. He needs to mature in that arena and that takes time. If this sounds like something that ruined the relationship but now he is asking for another chance because he is mature enough to provide those things now, he could actually be serious.
MEN DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE UNTIL IT’S GONE
My Facebook friend Matt Armstead said, “Women appreciate men in their presence, men appreciate women in their absence.” This sounds cliche but most cliches are based on real facts. Most of the men who responded stated this. They literally did not know what they had until she was gone. I think this is caused by an abundance of options. Let’s face it, we live in a day and age where women come a dime a dozen and they are getting easier and easier by the second.
If a guy lets you go because he didn’t put in enough effort due to his many “options”, then you can go ahead and wave goodbye because you shouldn’t want the guy who chooses quantity over quality. But maybe he just got comfortable and began to think what you did for him was what any woman would do. Now he’s back saying he’ll never do that again. Understand that this does happen and if he is taking responsibility for that then maybe he has changed.
I’ve given you the 5 reasons men come back now here are 5 questions to ask yourself in order to help you decide if you’re going to offer a second chance.
- Why did you break up in the first place?
- Do you want him or are you just bored or lonely?
- What are the characteristics you’re currently looking for in a man and does he fit those?
- What is the worst-case scenario if you give him another chance and are you willing to risk that?
- What do your wise friends say and have you prayed on it?
Most men don’t ask for a second chance because you’re the best thing since sliced bread. It is most likely one of the five things these men named. But if you really want to give him a second chance, be sure to pace yourself because the last thing you want to do is open up your heart (or legs) to the guy who only wants sex and a boosted ego. Many times we let our guard down because of “history” but screw that. Go into this with logic, not an attachment to familiarity. I have given you the reasons so you can prepare yourself, I hope you use this clarity wisely.