Being single in a world that shames unmarried women can be very disheartening. It can make you feel unworthy, like a failure, like you’ll never meet someone, like you’re running out of time, and sometimes just completely hopeless and helpless. I’ve been single for over 6 years so I get it. I’ve felt every emotion on this journey to building a positive self-image.
- I’ve hated being single
- I’ve been a “pick me” and did everything for the male gaze
- I’ve felt insecure about my looks, personality, and intelligence
- I’ve wondered why I was never chosen and often felt like I was flawed
- I’ve gone to therapy, healed, and still felt unsatisfied being single
- I’ve begged God to send my husband just to still be single
- I’ve entertained men I’d never marry just to satisfy my longing
- I’ve lost hope and given up on trying to find someone
- And then, I finally arrived at being content and single
Back when I was in my 20s, social media wasn’t as big as it is now. I could be single and make stupid decisions in peace. Nowadays, there is so much scrutiny toward single women it’s ridiculous. When podcasters jumped on the scene, single women became the target to spew out negativity. They reminded us that we are leftovers, our beauty declines with age, our biological clock is ticking, and basically, we need to just shut up and settle or we will die alone. It’s like society is obsessed with conditioning women into believing we have no value unless we’re attached to a man.
How does a single woman maintain confidence in a society that constantly tells her how flawed she is every single day all because of her relationship status? How does she cultivate a positive self-image in a society that tells her that she is worthless unless she has a man? As a single woman who has an excellent image of self as well as high self-esteem, here are 7 ways to build a positive self-image.
What is self-image?
First, let’s define self-image. Your self-image is your interpretation of who you are. When you look in the mirror, how would you describe yourself? For me, I’d say I’m cute, nice body, awesome sense of humor, and overall, I’m a great catch. I hope you’d say great things about yourself as well. If not, here are the 7 ways you’re going to improve your self-concept.
Take social media with a grain of salt
Repeat after me, “Social media is not real life.” Say it again but say it like you mean it, “Social media is not real life.” I get it, social media is fun and entertaining. You get great hair and makeup tips, restaurant recommendations, and even some solid advice here and there. But you should never base your entire life off of what social media is doing. Social media should be a fun place, not your role model. Stop allowing it to make you feel inadequate. Take it with a grain of salt and not your go-to for life decisions.
Eliminate negative self-talk
Your relationship with yourself is probably the most important relationship you’ll ever have. You have to learn to be kind to yourself. Most of us are our worst critics. We can’t take compliments and our inner voice is constantly telling us how awful we look or how much of a failure we are. Stop! You have to learn to eliminate negative self-talk first by identifying the negative speech your brain is telling itself then by creating affirmations that combat those negative thoughts.
Stop comparing yourself
Comparison is the thief of joy. There will always be someone smarter, prettier, richer, and more something than you. That’s why you have to learn to stop comparing and learn to love who you are and focus on the value you bring to this world. Take social media breaks because it’s really just a big pool of comparison. When your brain starts comparing, immediately tell it to stop.
Supportive community and messaging
You need a community of positivity around you. The truth is, you won’t feel positive every single day. That’s why you need your cheerleaders to be positive for you on those days. And the thing is, these people may not be your family or friends you grew up with. Sometimes you have to be a community outside of your comfort zone.
And while you’re building a community, be sure to build positive messaging as well. Make sure you are listening to messaging that pours positivity in and not just junk. I know the reality shows or comedic podcasts are entertaining but do they remind you that you’re valuable? Do they tell you not to quit on yourself when you feel down? You have to fill your mind and emotions with positivity so that when hard days come, you can recall those things.
Don’t obsess over time
We all hate waiting. We want what we want right now but unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. But let society tell it, we all should be married by 25, have 3 kids by 30, be a homeowner by 32, and be a millionaire by 40. It’s really absurd because when you look a the statistics, the math ain’t mathing. But the social conditioning to hurry up and reach goals by these imaginary timelines are making us mentally ill. These timelines you have been conditioned to believe do NOT exist. Run your own race on your own time and you will instantly feel better about life.
Define your own relationship goals
Societal conditioning is when media produces a message and makes it so popular that we adopt said message even if we don’t actually believe it. This is why it’s important to understand what you want before society can tell you what you want. For example, when a certain someone started speaking on high-value men, all of a sudden, an influx of women had to date a man who made 6 figures knowing good and well they never wanted that before. Stop letting other people define your relationship goals for you. Do what makes you happy, not society.
Remember your why
I’ve been single for 6 years because I don’t just want a relationship, I want a happy and healthy relationship that fits me. I want a man who pours into me mentally and emotionally. I want a healthy relationship where I feel safe. I want someone who will be patient enough through disagreements to talk to me instead of shutting down. Sometimes, we have to remind ourselves why we aren’t settling. We have to remind ourselves that we are single but it isn’t because we’re undesirable. It’s because we desire something that fits and we refuse to force a fit and until we get the right fit, we are waiting.
Don’t allow this relationship-obsessed society to make you view yourself as less than amazing. You are worthy of everything your heart desires. Continue to run your race and be the best version of yourself. Society doesn’t determine your value; you do.