Lately, there has been an influx of 2nd grade reading level men telling women what we need to do to please men. I really want to know where they’re finding all this audacity because it’s getting ridiculous. The worst part is, many women are beginning to fall for this nonsense and feel that they’re not “good enough” so they need to water themselves down to please these Dollar Tree men. I want to clear this up right now. Men of great character and high value do not waste their time telling women what they need to do to attain them. Confidence is silent, power is as well. They are too busy building empires and preparing to leave legacies to stoop so low as to tell a woman what she needs to do to be valuable to him. He’s looking for the woman who knows herself and loves herself so she can partner with him and bring him peace and support. Alexa, play Upgrade You by Beyonce.
I said all this to say, ignore all messages that cause you to question if you’re “good enough” to do anything or be with anyone. If the message doesn’t uplift or encourage, ignore it. As a single woman, I do want to help you on this journey to feeling more confident and empowered and these tips will help you do just that. Here are 5 things you should stop doing IMMEDIATELY so you can live a happier and mental healthier single life.
Comparing Your Life to Others
We all know the saying “Comparison is the thief of joy” but for some reason, we just can’t stop. Social media makes it harder than ever stop comparing because you’re literally being exposed to images all day long of people “doing better” than you in some form or another. But you have to stop comparing your life to others in order to be content and happy with your own. The more grateful and happy you are with what you have, the less you’ll feel the need to compare yourself to someone else. The best way to stop comparing is to…
1) Practice gratitude by thanking God everyday for your home, car, career, sound mind, good health, etc
2) Start being happy for others who have the things you want instead of being envious, your time will come
3) Take social media breaks when you feel yourself falling into a funk from comparison
Thinking Should’ve, Would’ve, Could’ve
In one of my favorite television shows Insecure, there’s a scene with Molly and her therapist where her therapist asks her something along the lines of “Why do you keep saying you should be?” helping her to identify the error of her thought process. Molly was feeling some type of way because she wasn’t where she thought she “should be” and she was approaching 30. Doesn’t that sound a lot like you? You told yourself by this age I’ll be married or by this age I’ll be making 6 figures or by this age I’ll own a house and blah blah blah. But now, you’re that age and you unfortunately haven’t reached those things yet so you have the “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve” blues. From someone who hasn’t reached 75% of the things I thought I would’ve reached by 32, just tear up your timeline because your timeline isn’t God’s timeline. As long as there is breath in your body and 7 days in a week, you still have time. What are you going to do? Quit? You’re not because there’s more life in front of you than behind you. So pin those goals back in your journal and keep saying you’ll reach them until you see them come to fruition.
Trying to Fit into Societal Norms
Have you seen what’s trending lately? Toxic relationships, jewelry in people’s forehead getting snatched, folks protesting about not wearing masks, and the ghetto list goes on and on. Are societal norms something you really want to follow? Some norms are good like brushing your teeth everyday and driving on the right side of the road but the norms that tell you that marriage equals happiness and that you need to have kids by 35 or else aren’t norms you have to adopt. Live the life that makes you happy, not the one society tells you brings happiness. At the end of the day, it’s your life, not society’s.
Living in the Past
Growing up, I didn’t know myself like at all. I also had no clue how to date because my mom was super strict and literally didn’t let me talk to boys until I was 17. Crazy! I went to college as green as turf yawl. Needless to say, I bumped my head for YEARS until I finally slowed down, sat in my pain, broke cycles, and faced myself. Once I healed and became self-aware, I oddly kept returning to past environments thinking the new me could conquer old situations. But that’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works. The new me didn’t fit with the old type of guys I used to date or the places I used to go. A new you requires new practices, places, and people. Trying to return to old stuff only taints the new you that you’ve fought so hard to get to. Moral of the story is, stop living in the past. I know it hurt and you wish you could rewrite history but you can’t. All you can do is use the past to grow. Focus on what’s in front of you and only look back to see how far you’ve come. Forward movement only sis.
Thinking Relationships/Marriage is the Finish Line
I once heard someone point out that fairytales always end at the beginning of the marriage or relationship. That’s because the real work starts when you say “I do” and/or “Yes, I’ll be with you”. Don’t get me wrong, I still want marriage and love and the whole 9 yards but I don’t think it’s a finish line. I don’t think once I reach this one accomplishment that somehow my life will change and there will be fireworks and unicorns. Repeat after me, a relationship or marriage doesn’t complete you; you complete you. All the tools God gave you when you were born complete you. I just don’t want you to continue to obsess over being in a relationship or married so much that you lose yourself in the process. You can be happy and whole by yourself. You don’t need a man or a ring to do that. Start your wholeness journey today, right where you are.
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