One of my most eye-opening dating experiences was dating a man with mommy issues. Before him, I had never known that mommy issues existed. I was well aware of the concept of daddy issues because society yells that to the mountain tops. But the term mommy issues wasn’t on my radar, and I was in for a rude awakening.
When he and I met, he was extremely charming and very eager to pursue a relationship with me. This caught my attention because I, too, was eager for a relationship after being exhausted with casual dating experiences. After only 2 weeks of dating, he was asking to make it official. I was naive and desperate for a boyfriend, so I didn’t think anything was wrong with this. I would soon realize that even the fast pace was a huge red flag.
After a month of dating, I noticed that his emotions were a bit unstable. He had extreme highs and extreme lows, which manifested themselves in our relationship. Our relationship was a rollercoaster with no stability in sight. After 6 months of dating, I saw a change in myself trying to love a man with such instability. After a year of dating, I realized I couldn’t bear the burden of a man who didn’t have the emotional intelligence necessary to love himself, let alone love me.
I decided it was over after a year of twists and turns and weekly breakups to makeups. My book, How to X Your Ex would’ve surely come in handy during this time. It would take me a year to pick myself up and restore what that relationship stole from me: my peace. Although tumultuous, I don’t regret it because it made me love myself in the aftermath. But I would be remiss if I didn’t warn women to avoid relationships like this one. Here are 5 signs of mommy issues in men.
What are Mommy Issues?
Mommy issues is a cultural term used to describe the emotional wounds or patterns someone develops from a strained or complicated relationship with their mother. These issues can develop if their mom was absent, overly critical, emotionally unavailable, or just an unstable parental figure all around. Although mommy issues is a colloquial term, it is a psychological condition many people, men and women, deal with daily that stems from early childhood development. It affects men and women differently, but understanding where it comes from can help you quickly identify mommy issues in men.
Signs of Mommy Issues in Men
These are the signs that I experienced. There are other signs, but if you’re dating someone with three or more of these characteristics, then he most likely has mommy issues.
Emotionally Unstable
When you think of emotional instability, most think of someone who is excessively emotional. Someone who may cry all the time or who is always angry. Well, that isn’t exactly what this means. Being emotionally unstable is the inability to handle certain emotions when they occur. I did some research on attachment styles after this relationship and found something interesting. Men with mommy issues commonly suffer from a disorganized attachment style. This means they can be extremely needy and clingy one moment, then flip to extreme distance and avoidance the next. Their behavior is very inconsistent because they want love but they fear it so they push it away. This explains how you can be lovey-dovey at noon and then yelling at the top of your lungs in an argument by 8 pm.
Lacks Accountability (Plays Victim)
Have you ever met a guy who tells you about all the horrible women of his past and how they did him so wrong and how he was so perfect? Yea, me too. It is the most frustrating thing in the world. People who do this are called victims. They feel like something bad is always happening to them, and they aren’t the cause of any of it. Dating a man like this is almost impossible. Anything he does becomes your fault. Sometimes it can make you feel crazy because you know that you’re right, but they still find some sort of loophole to make you wrong.
When a man doesn’t have his mom present physically or emotionally, he feels as if the world did him a disservice. Nothing can ever be his fault because he didn’t ask to be here, and he didn’t ask for his mom to abandon him. The world owes him something in his head, so he can take no responsibility for his wrongs. If this sounds familiar, then you may be dating a man with mommy issues. Be really careful because these men are very manipulative. They can sell salt to a slug. They have a way of flipping words and situations. Trust your gut and challenge them. Don’t back down because if you know that YOU KNOW that you’re right, you are. Don’t let their victim bullying tear you down.
No Direction
Going nowhere fast is how I would define a person with no direction in life. They have the work ethic and ambition, but they are working toward fifty million things but aren’t advancing. That’s how it feels dating a man with mommy issues. Deep down, they feel lost, so they can’t seem to find their purpose or calling, so they just dabble in everything. There is no stability in this. He can’t lead if he has no direction in his own life. Having ambition and a work ethic is pointless if you aren’t applying it to anything that matters. There needs to be a strategic plan set into place. If the guy you’re dating seems to be all over the place with what he wants to do with his life, he may have mommy issues.
Needs Constant Reassurance
One of my love languages is words of affirmation. I love to be complimented by my man and for him to remind me how much he loves to be with me. I don’t need it to feel good about myself, but receiving it lets me know a man values me. Men with mommy issues take this a little too far. They don’t just need to be affirmed, they need to be reassured over and over. They need to know every single day that you want them, that you agree with them, that you are on their side. Sometimes, they go as far as testing you by demanding you do bizarre things to prove your loyalty. It gets draining having to reassure someone daily that you are supportive when all you do is support them. It’s not your responsibility to love someone more than they love themselves.
Wants You to be His “Everything”
Our society has this sick infatuation with making someone or something their “everything”. You hear songs about it and people saying statements like “He/she is my all”. Contrary to popular belief, it is not a flex to be someone’s all or for someone to be your all. It is actually very unhealthy because when they leave, then what? Men with mommy issues tend to want you to be their everything. They want you to be their mom, best friend, therapist, pastor, financial advisor, and so on and so forth. This may sound cute, but it’s not; it’s draining. Relationships are about give and take. Someone who is only equipped to take can’t give.
Conclusion
If this describes someone you’re currently dating, I am sending positivity your way. It is tough dating someone in this state. They will take you through a lot. If it were me, I would break off anything romantic and form a friendship before embarking upon a life journey with them. If you don’t know how to break things off because maybe you’re in too deep, check out my book How to X Your Ex: A Guide to Getting Past Unhealthy Relationships.
This book will give you step-by-step instructions on how to
- leave the relationship
- prevent them from drawing you back in with manipulation
- learn from this and come out stronger and wiser
But if you choose to continue on a journey with these men, please protect yourself emotionally. Don’t lose yourself trying to help them find themselves. If you have to sacrifice yourself to find love, then it isn’t worth it
