Every year I celebrate my celibacy anniversary. I call it my no sexaversary. I do this because, after years of being addicted to sex, I never thought I could actually be celibate. Sex used to be a hobby for me. So when God called me to be celibate, I just knew He was talking to the wrong person. Well after answering the call, I was surprised to see 1) how much it changed me as a person and 2) how judgmental people were towards celibate individuals. Nowadays, it’s like being celibate is a disease. I would tell people I was celibate, men and women included, and I would automatically see their faces tense up in disgust like I had leprosy or something. I couldn’t be too shocked because those were the same looks I gave people before I became celibate. I feel that most people look this way because of their ignorance. When someone reveals their celibacy, most people already have a preconceived notion about who that person is. Well, I am here to discredit five very silly myths about celibacy.
We want everyone to be celibate…
Before I was celibate, I absolutely loved sex. I used it to feel better. It was my vice. Then my prayer life began and God told me to be celibate. Without God, I couldn’t accomplish this thing because Lord knows I’m not strong enough. My flesh is weak and I make dumb decisions all the time that put me in compromising positions. I said all that to say, if God didn’t call you to be celibate, then this process may not be for you just yet.
When I meet people, they think I want to force them into celibacy. That’s definitely not the case. If the person I’m conversing with tells me their story and it sounds similar to mine before celibacy, then I may ask their thoughts on it but that’s it. Just because I’m celibate doesn’t mean I’m judging anyone who isn’t. Stop thinking that just because a person is celibate that they’re going to want you to do so as well. Give them a chance to show you who they are before judging them.
We are boring
While writing this, I’m realizing how much power people give sex. It’s crazy what opinions people will derive about you just because you’re not having sex. So since I’m not getting penis inserted inside of me on the regular, that makes me a bland person? When people say stuff like this, I feel sorry for them because sex obviously has a lot of power over their life. The act of sex isn’t a characteristic of a person. It doesn’t define who someone is.
The top question I get from people who are considering celibacy is “Can I masterbate?” Most people who know I’m celibate assume I’m masterbating on the regular. Oh how false this is. Masterbating actually makes you want sex more. Think of it like a diet. If your weakness is chocolate chip cookies, are you gonna eat chocolate chips cookies to help you stop eating them or are you going to cut out all temptation? Abstaining from sex is delaying gratification. When you delay gratification, you can’t ride the fence on what to keep and what to remove. Masterbation gratifies your sexual craving. The more times you gratify your flesh, the more you crave the same thing; sex.
So although it may make sense to masterbate in order to not have sex, you’re actually weakening your discipline by feeding your craving. Just like you resist chocolate chip cookies in order to lose those 10 pounds, you have to resist masterbation at some point in order to increase your discipline in celibacy. Don’t get me wrong, just like a diet, we may slip up and masterbate but it shouldn’t be your sexual substitute. Fully abstain from all sexual things if you really want celibacy to work for you.
We do it to find a mate
Everyone thinks when you’re celibate, you’re doing it to find your wife or husband. They think as soon as we meet someone, we want to marry them right away. What’s crazy is, it’s the exact opposite. When you’ve been celibate for a while, you have spent a lot of time alone. When you get used to being by yourself, you’re very picky about who you allow in your life. You meet people but you don’t invest feelings quickly because you want to see them for who they are. You’re in no rush to marry because you’re waiting for the right person.
On top of that, when you’re not having sex, your discernment is at an all time high. You can see a fool from a mile away. I have found that when I meet people, I get a sign immediately that tells me “this ain’t gone work”. Most people get signs that this person sucks but because most people who are having sex are dating for pleasure and gratification, they ignore it. Since celibacy trains you to delay gratification, we are more likely to cut ties quicker when we see a red flag because we aren’t dating for a feeling. We lead with logic rather than lust. Stop thinking that dating a celibate person means they want to marry you tomorrow. You’ll soon see that you’re more at risk of being cut off than being rushed into marriage.
We’re all miserable
The issue with society is that everyone thinks sex is a necessity. Don’t get me wrong, it’s necessary for procreation and for a successful marriage, but you won’t die without it. Because sex being a necessity is a running theme, people make the assumption that a life without sex equals misery. What if I told you that a life without sex actually leads to clarity resulting in a less stressful life? When you’re having sex while single, if you’re a woman, you’re always wondering “Is he just using me for sex?” or “When is he going to marry me?” or “Why doesn’t he take me out in public?”. Let’s keep it real yawl. For men, you’re always thinking “I really don’t wanna be with this girl but she a freak.” or “How can I smash Keisha tonight when Mya keep poppin up?” or “Dang! I don’t know who slashed my tires. I got bout 4 broads!”.
Women, what if you could focus less on what the man was doing or thinking and more on your calling/career/life? Men, what if you could focus less on balancing the several sexual partners you have and more on building your legacy? Celibacy doesn’t lead to misery, it leads to clarity. I’m actually more peaceful than I’ve ever been. I’m focused on building my brand. It’s crazy the amount you can get done when you remove distractions.