10 Undeniable Signs a Married Man is Using You


This week, my podcast episode was entitled “Why am I Still Single? After ending another talking phase, I had to revisit the familiar emotion of confusion and weariness. This is a common sentiment for those who have been single for a while like me. When these thoughts and emotions overtake me, I give myself grace by allowing myself to feel my feelings for a few days. Once that’s over,  I focus on affirming myself with reminders that this is only temporary and I will not be single forever.


But let’s be honest, recovering from these feelings isn’t always that simple. Sometimes you can get so tired and frustrated that you just give up on finding Mr. Right and settle for Mr. Right now. These are the times when many women fall victim to the allure of married men. Sadly, many married men are acting very single. From what I frequently observe on social media, they tend to make single women feel more special than men who are actually single.


Although I’ve been able to avoid the charm of the married man, I know that several women fall prey. I totally understand why. When you’re weary from waiting for your perfect guy, it’s easy to accept the sweet nothings being offered by any man. But I don’t want you to be deceived. No matter how nice these men may seem, if a married man is pursuing you, he is indeed using you. If you disagree, here are 10 undeniable signs a married man is using you.

1. He can complain to you about his wife but you can’t complain about her

He reeled you in and earned your trust by complaining about how much his wife doesn’t understand him and how the spark is gone. But anytime you attempt to bring it up, he gets defensive and tells you that you’re crossing the line.

2. He only talks to you when he’s at the office, at work, but not during home hours

Yes, he’s married so he isn’t going to be as available as you’d like. But logically, ask yourself why not? If things with his wife aren’t good and she knows this, why can’t he talk at any time? If he has nothing to hide from you or his wife, he’d be available at more than these hours.

3. You can’t ever take the lead

If you want to meet him out or call him first, it can’t be at your time or convenience. He has to take the lead. You may think this is cute or manly but it’s really so he can coordinate his schedule properly so he doesn’t alarm his wife.

4. No holiday is ON the holiday

Valentine’s Day for you is on February 13th or 15th, not on the 14th. If it is on the 14th, it’s not a full-day experience. It’s a quick meeting where he has timed how long he can spend with you.

5. He won’t make a decision about staying or leaving with his spouse

In the beginning, he told you they were separated and sleeping in separate rooms. Now, they’re still together because of the kids or because it’s not the right time to leave. He says he will leave when the “right time” permits but the “right time” never comes.

6. He sweet talks you out of your ultimatums

Whenever you tell him you’re going to leave unless he leaves his wife, he makes a million excuses and somehow turns it on you. You then feel guilty for pressuring him and you remind yourself you knew he was married and convince yourself that you can stay a little longer. This is all manipulation. He plants seeds so you blame yourself for agreeing to be in this situation when all along, you were sold a dream.

7. You can’t post any pictures involving him

Any pictures that may give a clue that you guys were in the same place at the same time can’t be posted. You can’t show him to your close friends or anyone for that matter. He claims it’s to protect you from backlash but really, it’s for his protection.

8. No PDA

He takes you out in public but you can’t hug too tightly, stand too close, or do anything that may display affection. He says it’s because he just isn’t into PDA but it’s mostly because he is afraid someone may see.

9. He is still intimate with his wife

He doesn’t say this but you feel in your gut that he is still intimate with his wife. It’s because he is still having sex with her. If he admits it, he claims it’s because she forced him but he didn’t enjoy it. This is a lie used to convince you that you’re who he wants.

10. His needs are met, not yours

The biggest sign that a married man is using you is when his needs are being met and yours are not. If you’re truly honest with yourself, you want all of a man, not just a piece of him. Much of your mental space is spent trying to convince yourself that you’re happy with your arrangement but you know you’re not. You deserve better than some unfaithful husband. Free yourself from this dead-end situation. You’ll have much more peace on the other side of this.

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