My entire life, I’ve asked myself “Why am I single?” So in 2017, I decided I needed a change. I ended a bad relationship and I was ready for a new beginning. I really didn’t know where to start so I decided to pray about it. God was nudging me to take my Christianity more seriously. I had accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior but I hadn’t been trying to grow spiritually. I wasn’t reading my bible, going to bible study, or even praying on more days than Sunday. So I made the decision to commit to getting closer to God because I knew only He could change my life.
Although I did really want to know God more, another huge reason for my desire to change was my love life. My dating history had consisted of a horrible dating cycle that included…
- Meeting a guy
- Liking him too much too soon
- Having sex with him too quickly
- Him deciding not to commit to me
- Me being sad for about 2-3 weeks
- Meeting someone new
- Rinse and repeat
I knew I was worth more than that and I knew the best way to get the man I deserved was to change my life. I committed to praying for two hours a day, going to church every Sunday, and attending bible study every Wednesday. On top of that, I took the biggest leap and became celibate. I just knew all this obedience would get me an express train to Good Husbandville. Welp, it did not. I have now been celibate for over 5 years and I am still single. I’ve dotted my i’s and crossed my t’s, and obeyed God’s commands so why am I still single?
Why Am I Still Single?
Let me not make you guys feel like I’m depressed because I am not. I can honestly say that these past five years have produced an incredible woman. I honestly never thought I could be the woman I am today. It shocks me how much God has done a good work in me. I have been successfully self-employed for four years, my edges are full, my butt is growing, and I got the car I prayed for. All is not lost but I do still have that lingering question…How long will I be single God?
Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.
Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
These scriptures come to mind when I think about my wait but let’s be honest, sometimes I’m just not trying to hear that. Sometimes, I just need something else to focus on that doesn’t involve me feeling like I’m going to die alone. But as I sit with myself, I had to realize a few things…
I changed my behavior for me, not to find a man…
When I decided to be celibate and 100% single, I did it because I was drained. Drained mentally and emotionally and I refused to continue the cycle. I knew there was something going on within me that was bigger than finding a man and I needed to fix it. Unhappy with all aspects of my life because I was so broken, a change had to occur. I knew that if I detached from the idea that “I need a relationship to be happy” then I would be able to deal with the root of what was causing all this turmoil in my life.
So why did you decide to “do everything right”? Why did you decide to leave the dating scene and/or work on yourself? Something drove you to want to change so if you focus more on your “why” and less on the fact that you’re single, you’ll realize how great and beneficial this decision was.
I’m happier now than I was in a relationship…
If I’m being honest, the relationships or situationships I constantly found myself in weren’t healthy. I was miserable 85% of the time and just stayed because…
- I didn’t want to deal with the pain of leaving a person.
- I didn’t feel like starting over and going back to being single.
But the crazy part was, I wasn’t really happy with the person. I was just happy that I had someone. The issue with society is they suggest that being in a relationship automatically equals happiness but it doesn’t. There are so many people miserable and married because they rushed into it just to satisfy their craving for companionship. I understand better than anyone how it feels to yearn for a relationship but am I willing to give up my happiness for it? Nope.
I’m a great catch, I’m just trying to be caught by the right person…
If I’m being honest, I have men who are interested but I don’t want just anybody. I’m picky with the new me. It’s easy to let anyone take me out but this isn’t that type of party. I have to be selective because I’m fine wine, not Four Loko. Because I understand who I am and what I’m bringing to the relationship, I am very cautious about who I give my time. This new me took a lot of time to emerge and I can’t just waste it on anyone. This helps me when I begin to compare myself to people who are always in relationships. That could be me too if I wanted it to be but I’m single by choice.
I want my next to be my last…
With my newfound knowledge of self, it’s much easier to discern a right situation from a wrong situation. When you do everything you feel God is telling you to do, you gain an unbreakable strength because you refuse to go backward. This causes you to set strict standards for yourself, especially in dating. Currently, I am not rushing into anything and I am dating for marriage. For this reason, I know it may take longer for me to be in a relationship because I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I’m waiting for my husband. I’m also celibate and in an oversexualized society, dating while celibate can get tricky. I have to remind myself that this isn’t a microwaved dinner, it’s a full-course meal. I am now confident in the wife I have become so I know that once my husband does come along, I will be ready for my forever.
I wish I could tell you why you’re still single. I’d be a millionaire if I could answer that. I just want you to stop beating yourself up over it and wondering if you’re too flawed for love. You are not. Some people just have to wait longer than others. I don’t know why but you can wait in misery or in hope. I would say choose hope because misery is exhausting. When your mind tries to ruminate on the “Why am I single?” question, learn to shift your focus on what you do have. Train your brain to remain confident in how amazing you are. That’s going to attract the right person at the right time.