My entire life, one question has echoed through my mind like a broken record: “Why am I single?” I’ve always been the single friend yearning to be in a relationship. If my life were a sitcom, I’d be Pam from Martin or Joan from Girlfriends. So when I met a guy in 2017 who seemed just as eager as me to settle down, I thought maybe, finally, my time had come.
He wasn’t my usual type, but he wanted commitment, and that was enough for me to give it a shot. Unfortunately, that eagerness blinded me to his toxic traits, and within a year, my self-esteem had been shredded. Ending that relationship was a turning point. The question “Why am I single?” took on an entirely new meaning; not one of pity, but one of purpose.
In the aftermath of heartbreak, I felt God calling me deeper. This wasn’t just about singleness, but about healing. I realized that my desire for love had led me into patterns that left me empty. My dating history had consisted of a horrible dating cycle that included…
I knew I was worth more than that, and I knew the best way to get the man I deserved was to change my life. I committed to praying for two hours a day, going to church every Sunday, and attending bible study every Wednesday. On top of that, I took the biggest leap and took sex off the table completely. This set me on a path of celibacy, obedience, and complete focus on God. Not to earn a man, but to reclaim myself.
Let me not make you guys feel like I’m depressed because I am not. I can honestly say that these past five years have produced an incredible woman. I honestly never thought I could be the woman I am today. It shocks me how much God has done a good work in me. I have been successfully self-employed for four years, my edges are full, my butt is growing, and I got the car I prayed for. All is not lost but I do still have that lingering question…How long will I be single God?
Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.
Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
These scriptures come to mind when I think about my wait but let’s be honest, sometimes I’m just not trying to hear that. Sometimes, I just need something else to focus on that doesn’t involve me feeling like I’m going to die alone. But as I sit with myself, I had to realize a few things…
When I decided to be celibate and 100% single, I did it because I was drained. I was drained mentally and emotionally and I refused to continue the cycle. I knew there was something going on within me that was bigger than finding a man and I needed to fix it. Unhappy with all aspects of my life because I was so broken, a change had to occur. I knew that if I detached from the idea that “I need a relationship to be happy,” then I would be able to deal with the root of what was causing all this turmoil in my life.
So why did you decide to “do everything right”? Why did you decide to leave the dating scene and/or work on yourself? Something drove you to want to change, so if you focus more on your “why” and less on the fact that you’re single, you’ll realize how great and beneficial this decision was.
If I’m being honest, the relationships or situationships I constantly found myself in weren’t healthy. I was miserable 85% of the time and just stayed because…
But the crazy part was, I wasn’t really happy with the person. I was just happy that I had someone. The issue with society is that it suggests that being in a relationship automatically equals happiness, but it doesn’t. There are so many people miserable and married because they rushed into it just to satisfy their craving for companionship. I understand better than anyone how it feels to yearn for a relationship, but am I willing to give up my happiness for it? Nope.
If I’m being honest, I have interested men, but I don’t want just anybody. I’m picky with the new me. It’s easy to let anyone take me out, but this isn’t that type of party. I have to be selective because I’m fine wine, not Four Loko. Because I understand who I am and what I’m bringing to the relationship, I am very cautious about who I give my time to. This new me took a lot of time to emerge, and I can’t just waste it on anyone. This helps me when I begin to compare myself to people who are always in relationships. That could be me too if I wanted it to be, but I’m single by choice.
With my newfound knowledge of self, it’s much easier to discern a right situation from a wrong situation. When you do everything you feel God is telling you to do, you gain an unbreakable strength because you refuse to go backward. This causes you to set strict standards for yourself, especially in dating. Currently, I am not rushing into anything and I am dating for marriage. For this reason, I know it may take longer for me to be in a relationship because I’m not looking for a boyfriend; I’m waiting for my husband. I’m also celibate, and in an oversexualized society, dating while celibate can get tricky. I have to remind myself that this isn’t a microwaved dinner, it’s a full-course meal. I am now confident in the wife I have become, so I know that once my husband does come along, I will be ready for my forever.
So, why am I still single? Honestly, I don’t have the answer. But I’ve learned that singleness isn’t a punishment, it’s a season, and seasons always have a purpose. Yes, it gets frustrating. Yes, the wait can feel unfair. But in this waiting, God has built something beautiful in me. I’m not just waiting for a husband, I’m becoming the woman who won’t settle for less than God’s best.
And if you’re asking yourself the same question,“Why am I still single?”, I want you to stop framing it as a flaw. You are NOT broken. You are NOT behind. You’re becoming.
If you need clarity in your own season, maybe it’s time to reset your focus. I have created a unique fast called the 21-Day Man Fast. This is a fast from dating to help you gain clarity and strength. You may be thinking that since you’re already single, you don’t need more time alone. Well, I’ve learned that intentional time focused on yourself and God can have an extreme impact on your love life. This fast is designed to help you reconnect with yourself and with God through daily journal prompts, a calendar to guide you, and time for reflection.
Stop counting the days you’ve been alone and start counting the ways you’ve evolved. You’re not just waiting for love. You’re preparing for purpose.
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