If you follow me on Instagram @SingleWomanChronicles (shameless plug), you’ll know that I posted a video entitled Dating Mistakes of the Alpha Female today. If you haven’t watched it, it’ll bring more understanding to why I felt the need to write this article. As an alpha female, this topic is near and dear to my heart because I’ve unknowingly made several mistakes in dating. In order to understand why being an alpha female can make dating tricky sometimes, let my give you my definition of an alpha female.
Alpha Female: A woman whose default is to lead in all situations.
Historically, social norms tell us that men are to lead and women are to follow. I didn’t say men are to control and women are to be subject to control. I’m saying that society and biology pushes the notion that men are strong and should protect and lead while women support them in that position. As an alpha female, I lead and support myself because that’s what I’ve been conditioned to do. Unfortunately, society sees this as masculine energy because they assume we’re all stubborn and head strong. Although I feel this is a bit harsh, I can agree that romantically, it can be off putting. When you run a business or you’re a single mom running a household all by yourself, you need to be head strong. But when it comes to love, we should be taking off our alpha hat and and waiting for a partner that’s strong enough to help us carry the load. This doesn’t require us to change ourselves or water down our glow; it’s just allowing a man to be a man which deep down, most of us want but have yet to come across it.
I get it, not everyone wants a man that leads, but for those who do and struggle with removing their alpha hat when it comes to romance, here are 4 dating tips for the alpha female…
Accept Niceness…
“Thank You” after a compliment is the best response. Listen, I’m speaking to myself here. For some reason, I don’t know how to accept compliments or help. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve explained my way out of a compliment.
Them: I like your hair
Me: Oh it’s really not my best work, I was tired but thank you.
When will the madness end?! Let’s not forget my unwillingness to accept help. I once had a guy send me money for a package I didn’t receive because I was so upset. He was trying to cheer me up and replace the package but my alpha self just had to tell him how I’d be getting a refund and I don’t need the money. His response was “Let a man be a man”. Whew, he snatched my edges with that one. But ladies, we have to give people room to show up for us. We don’t have to be the superhero all the time. If we show a man we don’t need him in the beginning, it’ll be hard for him to show up in the relationship because we have shown him we don’t need him to really be there. So let’s practice accepting compliments, cash, free parking, etc. If he offers it out of kindness, accept it.
Relinquish Control…
When you’re used to being in control, depending on someone else is a pain in the butt. You’re so wired with the mindset of “If you want something done, do it yourself” that you only trust yourself with all things. This is why you don’t trust a man to plan the trip, or pick the right restaurant, or even know how to treat you properly. But unfortunately, my way or the highway won’t work in a healthy and happy relationship. The key to this is using discernment to pick someone who you can trust enough to lead because relinquished control in the wrong hands leads to disaster. This is due to the level of trust and vulnerability it requires for an alpha female to allow someone to lead. It’s okay to let go and let someone else do the heavy lifting from time to time, just be sure that man can carry the weight.
Get out of your head and into your heart…
I am over thinker Mcghee, especially in dating. This is due to me being played by men so many times so now I try to be 2 steps ahead of my opponent. This causes me to leap to conclusions and fill in the blanks when I am unsure about what a guy’s intentions are. Listen, if this sounds nuts it’s because it is! There’s absolutely no peace in this mindset but I’m sure many alpha women find themselves doing this because our brains are wired to figure it out. But we have to try to lead with our hearts and leave our pride at the door when dating. This is when we get a chance to take off our hardcore shell and be that soft and passionate gal we hide from everyone except those who are really close to us.
Watch your tone…
“It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” This is an extremely popular quote but it’s far more easier said than done. I believe one of the reasons alpha women are so misunderstood is because of our tone. We can be extremely blunt, direct, and sometimes aggressive. Although it can be necessary in many scenarios, when speaking to men and their fragile egos, we may need to sprinkle some cinnamon over our sugar honey ice tea. It’s not to protect the man, it’s so you’re heard and comprehended. When you use certain tones with people, the message gets distorted when it’s said aggressively or directly. It’s best to find soft ways to say harsh things so what you’re saying is heard properly. A message means nothing if the recipient can’t comprehend it. So try things like speaking lower when you’re angry so you don’t come off like you’re yelling or leading with a compliment then a critique instead of just flat out insulting someone. These minor changes make a huge difference.
This post isn’t for everybody but I know for a good number of women, these simple tips will be monumental in their life. Dating is already hard but it’s even harder when society is telling you that how you operate as a woman is wrong. I wholeheartedly disagree, there is nothing wrong with being an alpha female. It is how we survive and flourish. But I have realized that it may not translate in every aspect of our life and that’s okay. We don’t have to change who we are, but we can tweak certain things to be more successful in relationships. I hope this post helps you improve in dating and attract a man than can and will help you carry the load.
