“You ever had a guy who would be very consistent one week, then fall off the next week, then come back?…”
More and more people are speaking about the epidemic of getting ghosted. Last week, Dr.Phil interviewed a young lady who keeps getting ghosted in an attempt to explain to her why. There’s even a new series on MTV where they find people who ghosted others to figure out why. If you are reading this and you have no idea what the word ghosted even means, here’s the Single Woman Chronicles simplified definition.
Ghosted: When someone disappears or stops communicating with you suddenly without reason or warning.
I myself have been ghosted a couple of times in my lifetime. Not many because I’m really good at reading signs when people are trying to show me that they are no longer interested so I just take the initiative and fall back. I am however guilty of ghosting men on several occasions. Please don’t judge me. It is just really hard to let men know you no longer wish to talk to them because many times their ego won’t let them accept no for an answer. For those who say I’m lying, you are probably the very men who spazz on the woman at the gas station who told you “No thank you, I am not interested in giving you my phone number.” It is so hard to reject a man because you really never know what response you’re going to get. That’s a story for another day though, back to being ghosted.
Seeing that I have experienced ghosting on each side, I wanted to shed some light on the subject and offer some advice on why you may be getting ghosted and how to prevent it in the future. Since both men and women are subject to being ghosted, I will share common reasons why both get ghosted.
Common Reasons Men Get Ghosted
She just wanted free food…Sometimes women just want free food. Call them trifling gold diggers if you want but this is indeed a fact. Some women even have guys saved in their phone under “FF”, short for “free food”. I can admit that when I was a broke college student, I would go out with guys because I was literally starving. I’d sit and suffer through dates with guys I knew I wasn’t interested in because how else was I supposed to eat. I’m far more mature and financially stable enough to not do this again. My time is now more valuable than free food so I don’t play these games anymore. But there are a ton of women who do. This isn’t for you to stop taking women out because not all women go on dates for free meals. Just be a better judge of character. Stop going out with women who obviously have no goals or ambitions but to land a baller. Also, stop thinking with your other head. If we’re being honest, men know the women who only want the food. They just don’t care because they only want sex from her so they take her out in hopes that she’s easy. When she isn’t, then they get mad when she ghosts after giving her a free meal. Not all men think this way but a very large amount do.
You came on too strong…Some men try to oversell themselves instead of just being themselves and letting that speak for itself. I’ve gone on dates with guys who were trying to impress me by flashing money, jewelry, or talking about their money and how much they make. I’ve also gone out with guys who went on and on about how great they are and how they can’t wait to treat a women right and blah blah blah. If this is you, no wonder you keep getting ghosted. You sound like an annoying salesman. Dates are supposed to be chill and fun. How can you even get to know me if all you’re doing is talking about yourself? Confidence is silent. If you really like her, just be yourself and let the cards fall where they may. You win some and you lose some. If being yourself is being a man who talks about himself all the time then eventually, you’ll find a woman just like you and you won’t get ghosted. But at least I just made you aware of it.
You’re boring…Listen, this is the #1 reason why I’ve ghosted men in the past. I don’t know if there’s something in the water or social media is making people dumb but men are getting more and more boring. It’s like they have absolutely nothing to talk about face to face. I’m super goofy and analytical so I can make you laugh and think several times in the same convo. I’ve found myself being the fun in many situations and the guy looking to me for his joy. Meanwhile, I’m waiting on joy reciprocation. If you’re a guy and you find that after the young lady has led the conversation for a while and she suddenly stops talking, it’s because she’s waiting on you to say something of interest. Ask her questions about herself. Open up about some stuff. Say something! We are tired of you boring us to death. Go read a book or watch the news to have something appealing to say.
Hygiene…This is pretty self explanatory but I’ll explain it just so more men understand. Dental health is so important guys. Please start flossing and brushing on a regular. Especially if you’re a smoker because from a non-smoker, that crap smells disgusting. Stop coming on dates with foul breath. Also, please understand that there’s not a woman walking on earth who doesn’t like a man who smells good. Invest in a cologne that matches your body chemistry. Women will rethink cutting you off just because you smell good. This is so very important. Please take note.
Got back with her ex…I don’t think I have explain this one because we know this happens very often. Maybe you were a rebound and she was hoping you’d help her get over her ex. Maybe you were being used to make him jealous. In the future, just ask the right questions and look for concrete answers around subjects about the ex. For me, I don’t date men unless they’ve been single for a year. Call me crazy but I not only think everyone needs that time to heal but I also think it eliminates me from being in the back and forth crossfire of men figuring out if they want to go back to their ex or not. Save yourself some time and stress and maybe adopt my standard. It will reduce a lot of hurt feelings, trust me.
Common Reasons Women Get Ghosted
He wanted sex and you were taking too long…I talk about this a lot in my post Men Don’t Approach Women Like You. Women have to understand that many times, it’s not about you, it’s about what that man may want at the time. If he wants a relationship and you’re the relationship type, great. But if he wants sex tonight but you want to talk about a future, he isn’t going to stick around. This is why women (men as well) need to know exactly what they want going into dating. You’ll get caught up with a man trying to convince you that you don’t want anything serious just because he doesn’t want anything serious. Again, that’s a story for another day. But many times, women get ghosted because the man wanted one thing from them and it was clear she didn’t want that. Instead of saying to her “Hey, I was just trying to smash.” He’ll just ghost her because that’s easier and makes him seem like less of a butthole.
You were never really an interest, he was just bored and you entertained him…You ever had a guy who would be very consistent one week, then fall off the next week, then come back? This cycle continued for weeks or months until one day he disappeared all together? You lost sleep trying to figure out why the conversation was so good but then he would just disappear. It’s simple…he was bored. Most women can’t wrap their brain around this concept. When a few close male friends of mine told me this, I couldn’t understand it either. But you have to turn your female brain off and your male brain on. When men are bored, they do strange things. Sometimes those strange things include texting a group of women or just you in his downtime. It’s like a sport. To them, it’s equal to a video game. They could play 2K or they could play you. You’ll know these men by their failure to ever ask to see you or to ever speak openly about where the two of you are going romantically. The conversations get deep sometimes but they never go beyond text conversations. It’s rare that they’ll actually call you. But if he makes no mention of a date or expressing interest in a relationship with you, cut your losses and stop talking to him. He’s just bored.
You’re too clingy, moving too fast…Just like men can come on too strong, so can women. But when a woman comes on too strong, it comes in the form of her trying to get him to commit too quickly. You can’t make a man commit to you unless he wants to. Even if you have a strong connection with him, there’s really no way to speed up the process. Men are weary of women are try to move too quickly because 1)Men have trust issues 2) They see that as desperate. A woman who is trying to force a man commit in the first few weeks or few months is a turn off. (Notice I said force. If a man wants you, he could very well ask you to be with him quickly. But if you’re doing all the work and practically begging him to be with you, that’s when it becomes forced.) He sees that as her not wanting him but her just wanting a relationship. Men are ego driven. They want a woman who wants them and only them. If you’re trying to make them commit too quickly, they see you as just a desperate chick that just wants a relationship or is trying to trap them. Men are super paranoid. I’ll tell you another secret I learned after being ghosted for being too clingy. Men who actually like you and want to consider being with you actually take their time getting to know you. They take you on dates and consistently communicate but they don’t really rush into the commitment phase because they want to be careful. They fear that they may screw up or they fear falling too quickly because men don’t like emotions. Men who move super quickly usually only want something from you and once they get it, they’re out. They’ll wine and dine you and tell you everything you need to hear then they’ll leave. I just said a lot and I could really go on for days but just let this marinate and take notes.
He got what he wanted and no longer needs you…Piggybacking on what I just said in the last part of the previous paragraph, sometimes a man wants one thing and once he gets it, you are no longer needed. And no, it’s not always sex although that’s what it is the majority of the time. Sometimes it’s support in a time of need, sometimes it’s money, sometimes they need to drive your car, move in with you, stuff like that. As a woman, be careful who you let in physically, emotionally, and mentally. This is why pacing is so important. Men don’t rush into stuff because they don’t like emotions. Women, we tend to lead with emotions and we have to stop. Please invite your logic into every dating situation. It isn’t logical to think you know someone after only speaking for a week. It isn’t logical to have sex with someone when you’re unsure of if they’re going to call you after they get the sex. It’s not logical to tell your friends “he’s different” because he did one nice thing for you after one month of knowing you. Just be careful, pace yourself, and use logic.
Got back with his ex…Again, this is self explanatory. I had a guy date me for 3 weeks then ghost me because he used me to make his ex jealous and they got back together. It’s a cold world out here. I hadn’t invested much energy in this guy and we hadn’t had sex thank goodness but again, my rule now is if they haven’t been single for at least a year, I’m not touching it. God would literally have to come sit next to me and tell me to date them because otherwise, I can’t even do it.
For Both Men and Women
They just aren’t interested…Rejecting someone is hard, especially if they’re nice. It’s hard to say to someone “You’re nice but I’m just not feeling you.” I’ve grown mature enough to say these things but not everyone has. Sometimes, people will ghost because they just don’t know how to say this. It’s okay for someone not to be interested. It doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful, or handsome, or smart, or well dressed with good hygiene. Sometimes, you just aren’t a good fit for them. Have you ever met someone who was attractive and had all the qualities you like but there was just no spark? I have. There was nothing wrong with them, they just didn’t mesh well with me and that’s okay. So if you stop hearing from them, just think of it as less time wasted. They could’ve drug it out but they cut it off. Now you can focus on waiting for your best match.