What is Roaching and How to Avoid It?


“Most roaches aim for women who they can do the least for but get what they want…”

At this point, I’m just too old for this. No seriously, another new word for dating?! My 32 year old knees are  already exhausted trying to twerk like Meg Thee Stallion now this. Jesus, just start the rapture.

Okay I’m done venting, let’s get into this new dating trend that’s really not new but they’ve finally attached an interesting word to it…roaching. What is roaching?

Roaching: When the guy or girl you’re dating is secretly dating and having sex with other people.

Sounds like an F Boy to me but these new kids got creative. The word roaching is being used because  usually when you see 1 roach, there are more to come. They come in a family like ducks and deer but with this type of behavior, I’d much rather a guy a roach. It is very fitting.

I’ve been roached on several occasions starting back in high school up until my late 20s. I’m pretty good at steering clear of that kind of be foolery nowadays because I’m too woke for that type of negativity in my life. But when I was experiencing roaching, I always sensed I wasn’t the only one.

Signs You’re Being Roached

  • Your guy is extremely consistent with communication 1 week but then falls off the following week and comes back the week after claiming to have been busy then repeats
  • Your guy is only available during certain time slots for texts, very little time for phone conversations or FaceTime
  • Your guy deflects on conversations about a future, saying things like “Let’s let it flow” or “What’s understood doesn’t need to be defined”
  • Your guy rarely takes you on real dates. It’s mostly Netflix & chill because he “doesn’t like going out like that”
  • Your guy introduces you to male friends but not parents, family members, etc
  • Your guy has shallow conversations with you about how pretty you are and how he loves being around you but never anything in depth to really connect on a deep level

Roaches avoid getting close because they have too many shallow connections. They keep a roster and switch people excessively. Now if you’re roaching in dating yourself because you don’t want anything serious right now, go head with your bad self. But if you want a committed relationship or you just don’t want to deal with anyone who is sleeping around, here is how to avoid being roached.

1. Never Be Afraid to Leave

This is a mindset. When you know that you are valuable and can’t be strung along, you move differently. It’s a confidence that men pick up on and they know they can’t do you any ol type of way and get away with it. Most roaches aim for women who they can do the least for but get what they want which is ultimately sex or company when they’re bored. They’ll lead with charm and a whole lot of compliments and seduction in order to get you comfortable. If you pay attention, it’s never really deep stuff. It’s stuff that validates you as a woman and makes you feel butterflies and say “aaawwww”. But as soon as you try to go deeper or ask for clarity on where the relationship is going, they deflect with more compliments and seduction. This is why you need to be prepared to walk away when your needs aren’t being met. This advice can be used in  all areas of life. When you’re afraid to walk away from situations that don’t make you happy, you’re settling.

2. State Your Intent

One of the biggest mistakes I see women make is dumbing down their wants and needs for a man. An example is a guy saying he isn’t looking for anything serious right now and a woman saying “Oh me neither” knowing good and well she wants to get married. Don’t do that, state what you want to avoid dating people who can’t provide it for you. You don’t drive to Chik-fil-A to get a Whopper. They only sell chicken. Stop dating men who only want casual interactions expecting them to give you a committed relationship. When you see they don’t have the capacity to give you what you want, revisit step 1. Never be afraid to leave.

3. Confront Red Flags

It’s very rare that a man’s stupidity took you by complete surprise. There are always ignored red flags that led to the big reveal. The issue with most women is we ignore red flags thinking they’ll somehow disappear when they’re actually a warning sign. The best thing to do with a red flag is to confront it. If you notice inconsistent communication, confront it and see if you get an answer that makes sense. If you don’t, see step 1. If he says he’ll work on it but doesn’t, see step 1. If he deflects and feeds you nonsense, see step 1. Roaching is very obvious but I think we get so caught up wanting the person that we’re ignoring the reality of the relationship. Confront the red flags and if you don’t come to a feasible solution, leave.

4. Understand That There are PLENTY of Other Men to Date

There’s this false narrative being going around that men are becoming extinct and women need to be desperate and cling to every man that’s decent. Ladies, it’s a lie; but if you choose to believe it then it will become your truth. Our life is made up of our thoughts. If we think negatively about a scenario, then it’ll become a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. But if we think positively about a scenario,  then it’ll become a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. Most women ignore red flags and are afraid to leave because they feel like the “nice guy” they met is the last guy they’ll ever meet. (It’s a subconscious belief that you discover when you get honest with yourself.) I get it. You’ve had a lot of bad dating experiences. You feel like there’s no one out there and you’re exhausted with the process and you’re tired of starting over. But what’s the point of remaining in a situation with a man who isn’t going to commit just to say you have a man? Eventually, he’s going to remove you from the roster and you’ll have to start over anyway. Why torture yourself like that? Trust me, there’s another man out there. It’s plenty of them! You just have to believe it first and stop telling yourself that every man you meet is the last guy you’ll ever meet. It’s a lie.

5. Slow Down

Prophet Bobby Valentino said it best, “Slow down, I just wanna get to know ya…” Healthy relationships are a marathon and not a sprint. If you’re actually looking to build something of substance, it’s not going to happen overnight. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule but if you take your time, you’ll avoid prematurely attaching yourself to unhealthy situations and ending up being a roachee. If a man really likes you, he’ll stick  around and get to know you and won’t try to rush things, especially not the physical. Taking your time helps you to recognize red flags and gives you time to confront them and leave if necessary. Pace yourself and don’t invest emotionally until you have clarity and security on where the relationship is going.

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