How to Become “The Prize” in Your Dating Life


“The prize” understands that it has value so it doesn’t have to prove it. It doesn’t have to chase or over exert energy. It knows what and who it is because it is someone’s goal.

There’s this back and forth argument on social media about who is the prize; the man or the woman? Historically, the woman has been deemed the prize due to men having to initiate the courting process and carry it out. Back in the day, a man would have to create a stable environment including having a job and a home while the woman remained home with her parents until a man came and married her. Then she would leave her parent’s home and be with her husband. It worked back then because women didn’t have the same rights as men so they couldn’t have jobs or even go to school so they had no choice but to be housewives. Those days are dead and gone now. Women are independent and in many cases, the breadwinner. There has been a huge shift in societal norms so the question still stands; are women still “the prize”?

Before I answer that question, here is my definition of “the prize”.

The Prize: Someone/something that takes intentional effort to acquire.

“The prize” understands that it has value so it doesn’t have to prove it. It doesn’t have to chase or over exert energy. It knows what and who it is because it is someone’s goal. Someone wants to attain the prize. So if you ask me, yes, women are the prize. But men are the prize too. Hear me out before you delete me and never read any of my posts again. I think the issue with men and women in 2021 is we are seeing one another as enemies rather than allies in the fight towards healthy relationships. If we both recognized that we are both the prize and we both require mutual effort on each side to make this dating, relationship, marriage thing work, then the world would be a happier place.

But the unfortunate reality is many people don’t believe they’re the prize. And I believe most of these people are women. We are being brainwashed into believing that there’s a scarcity in men so we better act right or all the men will be gone and we’ll die single. This is a lie from the pits of hell. We are all the prize and we need to act like.

The Issue With Not Understanding You’re “the Prize”

I started going to therapy in 2019 when my mom revealed some life changing stuff. I always knew therapy was a great idea but because I have a Masters in Positive Psychology, I didn’t think  I had to go. I really thought I could fix myself because I’m a trained life coach. But as they say, therapist need therapist so I quickly realized I am not exempt from the necessary remedy of therapy. My therapist loves to snatch my edges every time I go. Last year, she asked me a questions that changed my life. We were discussing the topic of dating and self-worth. We both acknowledged that I indeed have high self-worth because of the work I’ve done but for some reason, it gets a little fuzzy when I start dating.

Therapist: “Why do you lose your worth in relationships?”

She knocked the wind out of my chest when she asked me this because 1) I had no clue you could have high self-worth single but it be lowered as soon as you enter a relationship 2) I had no idea the answer to that question. One year later, I figured out the answer. Because I grew up without a father and I’ve searched for a man’s love most of my life, men were “the prize” for me. Anytime I started dating someone I really liked, the focus shifted from maintaining myself, my happiness, and my sanity to winning the heart and approval of this guy. I hadn’t recognized it because I spent so much time alone that I thought I was fine. It took one dating experience and therapy session for God to reveal this blindspot to me.

The issue with not understanding that you too are the prize is you risk losing yourself while trying to acquire love from someone else. We’re all valuable. I don’t think anyone should be seen as more or less valuable than anyone else due to status, money, attraction, etc. Every human walking this earth is valuable. When someone chooses to be with someone else over you, it doesn’t make that other person more valuable than you. That other person was just a better fit for them than you. “The prize” doesn’t waste his or her time trying to prove themselves to anyone else. They know that they’re just waiting to be acquired. They never question if they’re “good enough” because that’s already a known fact. You are the prize, period. It’s extremely important that you date with this energy because if you don’t, you will lose yourself in relationships and your self-esteem will constantly be impacted by what others think of you. Every time a relationship ends, you’ll blame yourself and feel like you can’t do any better because you lost out. But the truth is, whoever lost you lost out because you too are “the prize”.

How do you adopt a “the prize” mindset?

It’s really simple to adopt this mindset now that you’re aware of what it means to be “the prize” and why it’s important to walk in this mindset. You just have understand who you are and fully accept yourself. Okay okay, it’s easier said than done. Especially in a society that measures value by attraction, money, body types, etc. But honestly, all that stuff is irrelevant because a lot of people are rich in money but poor in self-esteem. That doesn’t have to be you. You are “the prize” and it’s time you act like it.

  1. Show up as your best self…Stop playing small or fading into the background in fear that others won’t accept the fullness of you. The best way to weed out the people who are not meant to be in your life is to be authentically who you are and watch how others respond to it. There’s a certain freedom that comes with authenticity and you can never be your best self unless you’re operating as 100% who you are.
  2. Stop comparing yourself…Comparison is the thief of joy. If you’re constantly comparing yourself to others, you can never embrace the greatness that is you. Social media makes it easy to compare so take a social media break if need be. But you have to focus on yourself in order to know who you are and embrace it.
  3. Spend intentional time alone…You’ll never know who you are until you start spending time with yourself by yourself. This can be a 30 minute walk daily with your thoughts. It can be your drive to and from work but turning the radio off to hear yourself think. This can even be journaling before bed. But the key is intentional. You have to make the intent to get to know yourself deeper and asking yourself the hard questions. “Am I happy?” “What are my toxic traits?” “What is something I need to heal but I’ve been avoiding?” “How can I grow mentally and emotionally?” Most times we avoid this task by drinking, going out constantly, avoiding alone time all together because you know if you sit with yourself you’ll have to face some demons. But the only way to operate in the mindset of “the prize” is to dig deep so you can truly accept your full self, flaws included.
  4. Release what is breaking/broke you…Many times we can’t see ourselves as “the prize” because we’re tethered to the thing degrading us. You know the relationship you’re in is unhealthy but you’re so afraid to be alone that you’re choosing toxicity over peace of mind. That ex can call you anytime and you pick up although you know he only wants one thing but it gives you validation that he still calls. You keep having sex with people who don’t value you because it gives you instant gratification but you cry yourself to sleep. You’ve gained weight and you aren’t happy with yourself but instead of choosing to do better, you’re allowing fear and insecurities to keep you from fighting for your happy weight. You’re a people pleaser and you know it but you know if you said no you will lose friends so you just remain the “yes man” so you continue to have friends. I get it, I’ve been there. But these are all behaviors that say “I don’t value myself”. You have to do the uncomfortable thing in order to grow. Let go now.
  5. Speak as though you are…I say this all the time but it is so important. You have to speak positivity into your life in order for it to manifest. Life and death lies in the power of your own tongue. God has spoken this for a reason. Everyday when you look at yourself in the mirror tell yourself “I’m the prize” because you are. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and it’s time that you start acting like it.
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