“Women appreciate men in their presence, men appreciate women in their absence.”
Hot Girl Summer is coming to an end and Lonely Girl Winter is slowly approaching. Tis the season for cuffing and all your ex flings to come out of the blue with “I miss you” and “Hey bighead”. It is your choice what you will do with these text messages but I wanted to shed light on the truth before you walk into a new season with an old guy. The bible says to keep a sober mind and it’s not referring to drugs or alcohol. It is making reference to wisdom and being alert to what may be coming your way and why.
In the past, I used to get excited when exes decided to text me or call asking for one more chance. It gave me a sense of confidence that it wasn’t me and my thoughts of them being complete idiots was absolutely true. I even did a little shimmy when I first heard Cardi B say “I like texts from my exes when then want a second chance” in her hit I like It. Needless to say, I used to get a bit of delight when men came running back because my thought process was if he returned it’s because he realized I was the best thing that ever happened to him…right? Well I’ve recently learned through maturity and humility that this is a big fat lie and we need not buy into the hype. Men don’t think like us so if they come asking for a second chance, it isn’t about us most of the time. It has everything to do with his mind, body, and ego.
A few weeks ago, I asked men on Facebook what was their reason for ruining relationships then asking for a second chance. Here were the top 5 responses…
- SEX…As we know, men think with their other heads most of the time. If he thinks that you will let your guard down and give him sex faster because he is familiar then he will definitely ask for a second chance…at them draws (aka panties for those who don’t know). Women do this thing where they have sex with their ex to keep their body count low as if that’s their only option. HELLO! You could just not have sex, easy. That’s a great way to keep a sober mind and dry panties, take sex out of the equation. So if he comes creeping back in with sweet nothings, be aware that it may be for one thing. Pace yourself and ask if you’re willing to give your goodies to a man who broke your heart and isn’t deserving of you just for some temporary sexual satisfaction.
- EGO…Most men are controlled by their ego. This is why they’re constantly talking about women need to submit themselves and blah blah blah because they want a boost in ego. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with submitting to a man who I can trust in a leadership position. But most of them think just because when they were born and the doctor said “It’s a boy” that makes them a man and we need to submit to them. Tuh, I digress because that’s not the point I’m driving home today. Many men return to see if they still “got you’. Some men take pride in knowing that we are extremely loyal to them and will allow them back in our hearts just because they ask. If a man is doing double dutch with your emotions and keeps coming back and forth into your life without changed behavior, he doesn’t want you, he wants you to boost his ego.
“Some men take pride in knowing that we are extremely loyal to them and will allow them back in our hearts just because they ask.”
- HE NEVER WANTED A RELATIONSHIP, YOU DID…In many instances, men will tell a woman over and over again that he doesn’t want a relationship but she will ignore it and continue to try to convince him. This leads to 1) a situationship filled with confusion or 2) him finally giving in and saying “Yes, I’ll be your boyfriend” with his lips but not with his heart. Sometimes, it’s not necessarily that he doesn’t want you, it could be that he just doesn’t want to commit to anyone at the moment but he does like you. In these instances, he will say “No, I don’t want a relationship” but he will still consistently communicate with you, take you on dates, and bring you around friends and family because in his mind, he likes you but that doesn’t mean you two are committed. I know you’re sincerely confused right now but I need you to turn your female brain off and your male brain on. Men and women DO NOT think the same. A man can logically tell himself that he likes a woman but emotionally block himself from liking her enough to commit. So if he told you he didn’t want a relationship but you continued to date him thinking maybe you could change his mind and it ends up failing but he later comes back for a second change, it could be that now he is ready. Or it could also be mixed with boosting his ego and wanting sex too.
- MEN MATURE SLOWLY…Men aren’t as dumb as we think, they just aren’t as mature. There’s a difference in the two. A man knows a lot of things and can listen to what you’re telling him you want and need and know that if he doesn’t do those things, you may possibly leave but still not be mature enough to do them. A lot of things we want as women require a man to be mentally and emotionally mature which means two words for that man…vulnerability and emotion. These are cuss words to most men because they see it as a weakness. If you are asking your man to open up to you (vulnerability) and show him you care (emotion) and he isn’t mature enough to release his ego and understand that emotions are actually a strength, then it will cause a rift in the relationship. If he really likes you, he may want to be more vulnerable and express himself more emotionally but he may just not know how. He needs to mature in that arena and that takes time. If this sounds like something that ruined the relationship but now he is asking for another chance because he is mature enough to provide those things now, he could actually be serious. But again, he could also want sex and to boost his ego.
“A man can logically tell himself that he likes a woman but emotionally block himself from liking her enough to commit.”
- MEN DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE UNTIL IT’S GONE…My Facebook friend Matt Armstead said “Women appreciate men in their presence, men appreciate women in their absence.” This sounds cliche but most cliches are based off of real facts. Most of the men who responded stated this. They literally did not know what they had until she was gone. I think this is caused by a lack of maturity as well as an abundance of options. Let’s face it, we live in a day and age where women come a dime a dozen and they are getting easier and easier by the second. If a guy let you go because he didn’t put in enough effort due to his many “options”, then you can go ahead and wave goodbye because you shouldn’t want the guy who chooses quantity over quality. But maybe he just got comfortable and began to think what you did for him was what any woman would do. Now he’s back saying he’ll never do that again. Understand that this does happen and if he is taking responsibility for that then maybe he has changed. Or, he just wants to boost his ego and…I’m sure you know the rest by now.
I’ve given you the 5 reasons men come back now here are 5 questions to ask yourself in order to help you decide if you’re going to take the bait.
- Why did you break up in the first place?
- Do you want him or are you just bored or lonely?
- What are the characteristics you’re currently looking for in a man and does he fit those?
- What is the worst case scenario if you give him another chance and are you willing to risk that?
- What do your wise friends say and have you prayed on it?
If you don’t even want a relationship and you just want something casual with someone you’re familiar with then cool. But understand he didn’t come back to you because you’re the best thing since sliced bread, it is most likely one of the five things these men named. But if you really want to give him a second chance, be sure to pace yourself because the last thing you want to do is open up your heart (or legs) to the guy who only wants sex and a boosted ego. Many times we let our guard down because of “history” but screw that, go into this with logic, not an attachment to familiarity. I have given you the reasons so you can prepare yourself, I hope you use this clarity wisely.
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