“In order to make dating work, there is a mindset shift that needs to happen so that you’re not constantly becoming disappointed after each date.”
OMG, it is almost 2020! Wow, this decade literally flew by. I’m glad my edges are still in tact because these 30 year old knees aren’t. Somebody tell Megan the Stallion to teach me her ways. Although I’d like my knees to be back how they were when I was 20, I can admit that the wisdom I have now is priceless. If I had the mindset that I have now at age 20, I’d be married with 8 figures in a bank planning my yearly trip to Thailand. But I am sure we all feel that way. Well since I can’t go back in time, I figured I’d sprinkle my wisdom on yawl (yes I said yawl, don’t @ me). I teamed up with Tori Autumn, a certified life and dating coach, author, and blogger who helps women free themselves from toxic relationships. ( She also created a free guide for women who struggle with getting men to take them seriously–you can download it here .) In preparation for the new year, we decided to share the top 10 misconceptions of dating. We begin with my top 5 misconceptions…
1.Dating multiple people will increase your chances at finding the one
Before I give any advice, I always ask “What’s your goal?” If your goal is attention, convenience, or lonely avoidance, then by any means, date multiple people. But if your goal is a serious relationship or a healthy love, then dating multiple people won’t increase your chances in those areas. I’m not going to be long winded about it because I can go on for days, but I actually wrote a post on it that you can see here. But in a nutshell, it is a myth that juggling people while dating will give you a better chance at love. It really just gives you a better chance at confusion because you tend to ignore red flags when there’s more than one person to focus on. You also lose sight of what you really want in a relationship because you’re distracted by all these people. In my opinion, your best bet is to date one person at a time but while doing so, do the following…
- Be selective and don’t settle on your nonnegotiables
- Don’t just pay attention to red flags, act on them and move on quickly when you see them. Stop thinking they’ll change or you need to see more. You don’t; MOVE ON.
- Have fun and stop putting so much pressure on the dating process. It’s for fun and discovery.
2. Finding a really “good” guy or girl will solve your dating problems
Too many people focus on the word “good” when they should be focused on if that person is the right fit. Compatibility will give you a happier relationship than aiming for a “good” guy or girl any day.
Think about it, what is “good”? It’s such a subjective term because I could say a “good” guy is one who is very consistent with communication and who surprises me with romantic evenings. Someone else could say “good” guy is a person who gives them space when they need it but also reassures them and makes them feel secure. Everyone’s definition of “good” will be different. I think people should spend more time figuring what things in a person will actually mesh well with their personality and the life they hope to have and aim for that. Stop thinking just because your past is filled with horrible people that you just have to go for the “good” person that comes off as nice and opposite of the others you’ve dated. No, you’ll have a better chance at happiness once you figure out what you want and find a person compatible with that.
3. You need to ask the right questions to see if your date is the right person
I’ll say this until I’m blue in the face, dating isn’t an interview, it’s a fun time for discovery. When you go on a date, your mindset shouldn’t be “I wonder if I can marry this person and if they’ll make a good parent to my child.” No, your mindset should be “Can I have fun with this person?” People lie and that is indeed a fact. Asking questions won’t give you the real answers you need. You’ll learn more by vibing with them and letting them get comfortable enough with you to show who they really are. But the key to this is pacing. Stop trying to speed up the process. If you take your time and really pay attention, you’ll know the kind of person you’re dealing with without having to invest much time or energy.
4. You need to get out more to meet more people
People make it seem like you can only meet someone by going out to bars, clubs, restaurants, etc. They forget that you can also meet someone by just living your life day by day. This includes going to the gas station, grocery store, work, church, working out, etc. Stop beating yourself up because you’re a loner or you’re more of a homebody. Trust me, God will send you the person you’re supposed to be with when it’s time. God is so fire, he’ll have the person delivering your Amazon package be the love of your life. Just relax! You don’t have to force yourself to go into environments you don’t feel comfortable in just to get a date.
5. Men outnumber women so no man is faithful
There’s this awesome saying that goes “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” This statement is all about perspective and applies to almost everything in life. If you think all men cheat, then every man you date will. If you think you have to share a man in order to have one, then you will. Humans have to understand that they will subconsciously find a way to support the beliefs deeply entrenched in their heart. Some people are so broken by their experiences that they only attract and are only attracted to the only thing they know which in most cases like this is dysfunction and brokenness. When I hear women say stuff like “Men outnumber women so there’s no point in trying to find a faithful man” my heart breaks because I know this opinion has been shaped by their past negative experiences. If you’re reading this and you’ve said this to yourself or out loud, please understand that your past can shape your future positively or negatively, the choice is yours. You have to heal from old wounds to understand that there are other outcomes outside of the ones you’ve experienced from your past but that begins with your mindset. For more on this subject, I posted about it here.
Here are Tori’s top 5…
6. I need to invest a lot of time into dating.
Um, so not true! You’ll know that you’re dating the right way when you can make it fit into your schedule. If finding the one is a priority for you, then you do have to set aside time each week to make the effort. This could be as little as 30 minutes to an hour of going out, setting up an online profile, or even following up with someone who has recently asked you out. You can totally make dating work for your lifestyle; in fact, that’s how it should be anyways!
7. I need to look a certain way before starting to date.
So you mean to tell me that you need to wait until you’ve reached the perfect weight, a credit score over 700, come up with an effective skin routine, and have perfect hair, etc before you meet the one?
When I hear this, it makes me think that you’re trying to reach the level of perfection and that nobody would love you the way you are now. This is a negative story that you’re telling yourself that will keep you in procrastination mode. Recognize those thoughts and affirm some new ones–you need to know that you are more than good enough the way that you are!
8. All the good ones are taken
What proof do you have that there aren’t any good men left? What have you done differently to meet different men?
In order to make dating work, there is a mindset shift that needs to happen so that you’re not constantly becoming disappointed after each date. Your mindset should affirm that not every guy will waste your time and that you are worthy of finding a charming, intelligent, funny, and loving man! If you’re curious on where to start with the mindset shift to get men to take you seriously, you should download my free guide to help with that here!
9. There aren’t any good men left in my area
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this! Even if you feel with every bone in your body that this is true, there are a few ways to dispel this lie. First, do you know anyone in your area who is in a committed relationship (which, I’m sure the answer will be yes)? If they are from your town, ask them how did they meet. Doing a survey of existing couples that you are familiar with will help you understand that there are options for people around you.
Also, evaluate the places you’re hanging out to meet men. Think about if you’re really putting yourself in the best position to be seen as much as your schedule allows. If the answer is no, pick a new place each week to visit to get a feel for the new people you could come across.
10. I’m too introverted to date.
Even though dating may seem like an extroverted activity, there are people just as shy to meet you out there–if not more! Each day, you can find another opportunity to start small talk with someone and this will help boost your confidence a lot. Think about how you connected with your existing friends, and people you share things in common with now.
Dating apps are a great way to get the conversation started if you haven’t met anyone face-to-face in a while. If you want more tips on how to be more outgoing, you can check out an article I wrote here.