Disclaimer: This is not a post to encourage you to stay with the f boy you’re with just because you’re comfortable. Get some self-worth and leave!
I was talking to a church member the other day about dating. I am 28 and she is in her early 40s and I really wanted to pick her brain. This year, I was called by God to be celibate and it has actually been working out pretty well. During this time, I have had plenty of time to reflect on the mistakes I made with the wrong guys in the past. The main question I needed answers to is how do I know if I should date someone if at first he doesn’t seem to be my husband? The reason I wanted the answer to this is because I meet lots of people and being celibate opens my eyes and increases your discernment tremendously. For that reason, I feel most men I meet aren’t my husband and I should just drop them and move on. Well her advice made me see things a little differently. She explained to me that I would unfortunately have to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince charming. She didn’t mean literally kiss so don’t be out here telling folks I told yawl to be kissing sluts. What she meant was, even if I don’t feel as if he’s my prince charming, God may still want me to date him because I need to learn a lesson from him that will help me once I get to my future husband. Although I would love for life to be a fairytale and just meet my prince charming on the first try, at age 28 I know that this is NOT how life works. As I pondered this thought of kissing frogs or dating Mr.Wrong, I remembered all the lessons I have learned along the way.
In my past life (pre-celibacy/pre-Christ), I made several foolish dating choices. I dated men for some of the dumbest reasons. I was dating men because they were cute or because they were tall or because they were popular. Don’t judge me because I know some of yawl have been there too. Although it sucked having to go through countless heartbreaks and moments of feeling like an idiot, those times made me who I am today. Without dating so many Mr.Wrongs, I wouldn’t be the fabulous Mrs.Right I am today. Now it isn’t ideal to date Mr.Wrong, but here are a few perks I gained along the way:
“When you’re tired of being single, you tend to focus way too much on dating rather than other more important things like God or your career.”
- Dating Mr.Wrong improved my taste in men: As stated before, I used to pick men for the dumbest reasons. After dating the same kinds of guys and getting the same results over and over, I decided to try a new approach. This made me open my eyes to more important things I wanted in a man. I began to focus more on what I wanted in a relationship rather than what I want in a spouse. For example, I know I want a relationship filled with monogamy and trust. That’ll be kind of hard to get if I am picking a man who is popular. I had to understand that I could never get what I wanted in a relationship by the choices I was making when I picked my men.
- Dating Mr.Wrong helped me identify my flaws: When you go through the same thing over and over, most try to think introspectively and figure out how to change the cycle; well at least you should. After so many heartbreaks, I wanted to figure out what I was doing wrong. I figured out a few things. 1) I was moving too fast and needed to slow my dating pace. 2) I would invest way too much too soon and would be upset when I didn’t receive a return on my investment. 3) I worked harder than the man in the relationship. Understanding these flaws helped me to work on them so I can be prepared for my Mr.Right. Honestly, I still have my flaws but I am very happy I know what they are so I can work on them before I meet my prince charming.
- Dating Mr.Wrong gave me focus: When you’re tired of being single, you tend to focus way too much on dating rather than other more important things like God or your career. What I realized while dating Mr.Wrong was I lost focus really quickly. I would allow the relationship to take over and lose track of all of my goals. Understanding this, I am now very cognitive of how much energy I give the relationship versus my life goals. Most men don’t want a woman that is so into them that they lose themselves. We have to remain focused, even when being in a relationship.
- Dating Mr.Wrong boosted my confidence: After being played by a guy, your confidence is usually shot because you feel like it was your fault it didn’t work. Well after feeling this way several times, I had to tell myself that my confidence is unconditional. I love myself and I am 100% confident rather he sees me as great or not. Some men prey on women who lack confidence so you have to learn that self-love will get you to Mr.Right faster than insecurity will. Most good men want a woman who is sure of herself and confident in what she brings to the table. Don’t allow a man to take that away from you.
“Confidence is unconditional…”
Now the purpose of this is not to tell you it’s okay to date Mr.Wrong because in reality, I want you to sprint away from him. The purpose is to learn a lesson from every Mr.Wrong you’ve ever dated so you can be Mrs.Right for your prince charming. Stop allowing these situations to make you bitter, let it make you better. Mr.Wrong sucks but there are perks to dating the wrong guy. No more excuses! Let the Mr.Wrong you dated in the past make you Mrs.Right.