50 Shades of Fuckboy | Single Women Chronicles

The 50 Shades of Fuckboy I Met on Tinder

by Friday, December 30, 2016

“The only thing that caught me off guard was his hair and his teeth. He had hair but he didn’t have hair at the same time. Like it was bald but it wasn’t bald because I could see his hairline.”

Online dating is extremely popular nowadays since the development of apps like Tinder and POF. It’s crazy that just a few years ago people were watching 20/20 episodes on the dangers of online dating and now 90% of relationships begin in the DM. (I just made those statistics up so don’t quote me.) Although I see nothing wrong with online dating, I do think everyone should be careful when meeting up with these people. Not just because you risk getting robbed or killed, but because 99.9% of fuckboys get their women on dating apps. (Again, I made that statistic up. It just sounds good.) The main fuckboy app is Tinder due to its “Netflix and chill” reputation. Many men are on Tinder just for sexual encounters and by the looks of things, many women are on there for the same reason. But enough of that. I said all that to talk about the 50 shades of fuckboy I met on Tinder.

I was getting my swipe game on and everybody was weak. I was so tired of swiping left that I was about to just log off until I came across a right swipe worthy gentleman. He was tall, caramel, and he was dressed well. There’s something about a well-dressed man that always turns me on. I swiped right and we were a match. Soon, I received a message from him.

"Hey beautiful."

And that is when the fuckboy captured my attention. I hear the hey beautiful line a lot but it sounds better coming from someone I’m actually interested in. We talked on Tinder for a day or so and then we exchanged numbers. Once we began texting, he asked if I wanted to do lunch. Food is the secret code to my heart so I was down. We had been talking for about 72 hours but as long as we were meeting in a public place, I didn’t mind seeing him. (Sidenote: If you’re online dating, stop allowing your first meeting place to be at someone’s house. That is a Fatal Attraction episode waiting to happen. Public places please.) We decided to meet downtown during each of our lunch break’s and I was excited. Mostly excited about the food but he was a plus.

The day for lunch came and it was pretty cool. I was nervous to see him because I was hoping he wasn’t a catfish. You know the show Catfish where the person looks NOTHING like their pictures. I was so happy when I saw him and he looked like his pictures because if he was in fact a catfish, then I was going to leave him at that restaurant. The only thing that caught me off guard was his hair and his teeth. He had hair but he didn’t have hair at the same time. Like it was bald but it wasn’t bald because I could see his hairline. Also, his teeth were gray. I’m serious, they were gray. I just didn’t understand how someone could have gray teeth. Like what the hell did you eat?! Although the hair and teeth were red flags, I try not to be shallow so I wanted to get a feel for him before crossing him out completely.

The lunch actually went REALLY well. He seemed to be a sweetheart and we connected well. I was looking forward to our next date when lunch was over. Later that evening, he texted me saying he enjoyed our lunch-date. I was happy to hear that because I felt the same way. He then started saying that he could see himself dating me and that we should continue seeing one another. That was pretty forward but I liked that he knew what he wanted. I was really into the conversation until he sent a text that would forever confuse the hell out of me.

Him: Before we begin dating, there are a few things I require my women to do.

Me: ?

Him: I require my women to spend 3 nights a week at my home. 

Me: LOL boy you stupid. That was a good 1. 

Him: I'm not kidding. Do you accept the terms or not?

First of all, this man said “I require my women”…say what now? Second of all, I don’t even know you so you want me to spend three nights a week at your house. For what?! So you can hold me captive and torture me. I guess that’s how his teeth became gray; by eating the souls of the women he tortured in those three days. Well we never spoke again and I was completely fine with that. Not sure if he watched 50 Shades of Gray one too many times or what but I wasn’t with it.

Moral of the story is don’t trust a man with a hairline but no hair.

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