“Temporary satisfaction won’t cure deep rooted issues.”
Everyone gets to a point in life where they feel completely exhausted. This feeling is beyond a physical exhaustion, it is more of a mental, spiritual, and/or emotional exhaustion. It usually comes when we are tired of a job or we are trying to pursue something but we feel it isn’t happening. It can also occur when we are looking at our current life and it just doesn’t look how we expected it to. It’s a strong feeling of discouragement and wanting to give up. When we get here, we feel we have exhausted all efforts of doing life right and nothing is ever good enough. There is a void within our life that we feel but we don’t know what we need to fill that void. Instead of using healthy options like therapy, prayer, talking to someone close to us, journaling, or many other therapeutic techniques; many single individuals subconsciously decide that this empty feeling needs to be filled by an outside source of the opposite sex. Most of us decide that this empty feeling could quickly be remedied by the affection of another person to help lift the burden of life we currently feel. So we opt to put our empty selves on the market so we can find someone to give us that feeling we’re missing. We then meet someone and they give us that temporary high but when they’re not around, we feel empty. So we think “well maybe it’s because I need more doses of this person” so we begin to seek more time, affection, and attention from this new high we’ve received but for some reason, every time we come down from that high, that emptiness still lingers and we’re still left wondering why we feel this way.
Here’s why…no person can fill that void!
You have to get to the root of the issue. Temporary satisfaction won’t cure deep rooted issues. I’m going to be very vulnerable with you guys because I want you to understand that 1) We all feel this way at some point and 2) It can be dangerous to date while being at this point. I am currently on an empty tank spiritually and mentally. If you know me, you know I am very committed to my faith. I am a true follower of Christ and I love me some Jesus. But somewhere around April, I got exhausted with the process because God gave me promises and I felt I was doing my part but I was still stagnate. It felt like I was playing the “hurry up and wait” game and I just got tired. I am in church every Sunday, every Wednesday, and every first Saturday. That doesn’t count the ministry meetings I also attend. I am not complaining because again, I love Jesus, but I just got exhausted. I was juggling that on top of my blog career that I feel isn’t moving at the pace I feel it should be. God keeps giving me assignments and I feel like every time I complete one, He throws another one at me and I’m still not as successful as I’d like to be. So at some point, my passion for Jesus and the blog began to simmer. I just started going through the motions. I was still attending church, tithing, going to all the meetings and participating but I wasn’t mentally or emotionally present. I was still posting for you guys, but I wasn’t passionate about any of it. I just got lost. I felt like I was floating and couldn’t put my feet on the ground. Nothing seemed to make me feel excited anymore. At this very moment, I made the silliest decision; I made the decision to start dating.
This is not for the people who are married or already in relationships. If you reach this point while already involved, this post has nothing to do with you. This is for the people who are single single like myself and decided that you felt empty so to feel full you chose to give dating a try. Here is what happened while I dated while I was empty…
“When you’re dating on empty, you don’t really know what you want.”
My spiritual and mental void got worse…I tried to convince myself that I could juggle dating, my Christian responsibilities, and my blog. Maybe I could have if I wasn’t already on empty but I was already running on fumes, how could I add anything else to my plate? You see, when you date while on empty, all your attention goes to dating because that is what gives you your high at the moment. You’re tired of the disappointing career or family issues or whatever you’re dealing with so you run away from that and run towards your escape which is now your new boo. What you thought would help you get your focus back is actually what’s starving every ounce of passion or desire you once had for that previous thing. Your procrastination now turns into full blown abandonment for that thing you know you need to get back to. I began to pray less, read my bible less, blog less, and post less. I was just over it.
I got really confused…When you’re dating on empty, you don’t really know what you want. You tell yourself you’re taking it slow but then you begin to want more from the person because they’re giving you that high you’re looking for. They may be asking you what you want but really you have no answer for them because your mind says one thing but you common sense says another. You know you shouldn’t be making any long term decisions in this empty state but being around them feels great so you just go with whatever flow they give you.
He soon became my #1 priority...Some of you may think this isn’t so bad because if he really likes me then that’s good right? WRONG! As a Christian woman with big dreams, the man I’m dating should never be my #1 priority. He is not my husband, he is a man I am seeing. God should be #1, my career should be second, my family next, then he should fall into there around five. When a man becomes your #1 priority, you exhaust far too much energy trying to make it work. I thrive off of being self sufficient and independent. When I have tasks to complete, I shouldn’t be letting a man come before those. He should definitely not be blocking my God time. I honestly didn’t know what was going on but I had to fix it quickly. It wasn’t him, it was me. My emptiness was making me do strange things.
“When a person is your all, you can never reach full happiness.”
I began to question my worth…When you are seeking validation from anyone other than God or yourself, you risk losing a bit of your self-worth. I have been through a lot and I have done the tough work to get to the level 1000 of self-love and self-worth I have today. But when I was dating on empty, I began to question myself. Am I good enough for him? Does he want someone other than me? Maybe me being celibate isn’t what he wants (That’s a whole nother post for another day)? Maybe I’m too clingy? Maybe blah blah blah. I was losing a sense of who I was because the biggest things that define me, my faith and my career, were no longer my main focus. I was looking for a man to validate me instead allowing God to do that or relying on the me that I know is irreplaceable.
I became very unhappy...When a person is your all, you can never reach full happiness. Yep, I said it. You can believe those Hallmark movies if you want to but if you allow your happiness to be attached to one individual, you’re going to be in for a world of hurt. What happens when they make a mistake? What about when they don’t meet your expectations in certain areas? What about when they aren’t available when you really need them? True happiness comes from when you live a fulfilled life with all the things you love, not just the one person you like/love. That’s why I will never identify with the “I don’t need friends, I got my man” girls. Those are the ones crying on social media when their man does something wrong because they have no one else to talk to. Back to the subject at hand because I just went way off topic. I became unhappy because he couldn’t give me the fulfillment I was looking for. It was deeper than dating. I needed to get back to the things I loved. I needed to refuel my emptiness with God and my passion, not dating. He could’ve been the perfect guy but until I got back to me, I wouldn’t have been happy.
If you feel like you’re on empty, confront the root issue. Ask yourself these questions:
When did the emptiness start?
What caused this feeling of emptiness?
What sort of breaks need to be taken in order for me not to feel exhausted?
How can I work my way back to fulfillment?
What boundaries need to be set into place to prevent this emptiness from getting worse?
Spend some time with yourself so you can address the real issue. If you try to cope by drinking, drugs, or dating, as soon as you come down from that temporary high that emptiness will still be waiting. I have taken some time to myself to force myself back into reading my word more, praying more, and just resubmitting my heart back to God. I am setting up plans for the blog so you guys will see me post a lot more original material so be on the look out. You can refuel yourself by taking it day by day, it won’t happen overnight. Just don’t date because it’ll only elongate the process and someone’s feelings will most likely end up getting hurt. Date on full so you can have a full relationships, not one that drains you.
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