If it Cost You Your Clarity, It’s Too Expensive


“Speaking of situation, let’s not forget the ever so popular situationship culture where people choose to live in the gray area rather than giving their relationship a black & white definition.”

“Dating is complicated”, words I hear many times from singles who are trying to navigate their romantic life in 2018. It’s bad enough that casual sex and side chicks have become the norm in our culture, but now confusion is being normalized as well. It started when Facebook decided to allow users to put “It’s Complicated” as a relationship status as opposed to truly defining their situation. Speaking of situation, let’s not forget the ever so popular situationship culture where people choose to live in the gray area rather than giving their relationship a black & white definition. But why do we do we this? Why do we choose to give ourselves anxiety by investing our hearts into unstable, confusing relationships that have no guarantee of happiness? Wouldn’t it just be easier to love yourself enough not invest your energy or emotions into any relationship that has no purpose or direction?

Maybe it’s just me but confusion isn’t something I wish to invest in. Would you invest your money into a business without a business plan because they told you “we prefer to just let it flow”? Or we you work for a job they can’t guarantee you set hours or set pay because they believe in “seeing where things go”? If you wouldn’t invest money or time into these situations, why would you invest your emotions into a person who says the same things when you ask them “What are you looking for in a relationship?”

A popular phrase says “If it cost you your peace, it’s too expensive”. I totally agree with this statement, but what type of things cause your peace to be interrupted when dating? For me, it is a lack of consistency, bad communication, a lack of words of affirmation confirming true feelings towards me, and a lack of direction for the relationship. All of this stuff causes confusion and anxiety for me which causes my peace to fly completely out of the window and for anxiety, self-doubt, and irritation to fly in. Anytime these emotions arise, I pray or read scripture. Here’s a scripture on what God says about confusion.

1 Corinthians 14:33: For God is not a God of confusion but of peace…

Now for all of those “I’d rather just let it flow because planning makes it complicated” people who really think God has sent them a “let’s just see where this goes” life partner, I need you to reread what this says. This says that God is not a God of confusion, which means if your mate is confusing you, God did NOT send them. For more scripture on dating, I did an amazing post about being single and saved, you can read it here. But back to clarity, God doesn’t want you going into any situation not knowing why you’re in it and being confused about if that person is for you or not. If you have to ask twice, then most likely, they’re not.

“This says that God is not a God of confusion, which means if your mate is confusing you, God did NOT send them.”

Clarity is apart of peace and we all want peace in our dating life. Contrary to popular belief, you can choose to have a peaceful dating experience, unlike the “it’s complicated” message society drives. I know you can because I chose it for myself and dating has been completely different ever since. I used to date in the gray area and I jumped from situationship to situationship because I was tired of being alone. Instead of choosing to just be still and not date until the right person came along, I chose to involve myself with men who didn’t want anything serious at the moment in hopes that I could maybe change their minds when they realized how dope I was. I even dated men who didn’t speak about our future at all. I constantly avoided asking the “What are we?” question because if you have to ask, you have already answered the question. To break the cycle, I did 5 easy things to adjust my dating because I was tired of sacrificing my clarity just so I wouldn’t be alone.

  1. Discovered what I wanted and didn’t budge…I realized that I was tired of dating without a purpose and eventually wanted marriage. To obtain that, I had to stop dating just to not be alone, but start dating with purpose. Men came along who were cool but they didn’t want what I wanted so I kindly declined and continued to wait because I refused to continue to settle.
  2. Disciplined my emotions…The issue with most people is as soon as their emotions tell them to do something, they do it. There were and are still times when I just want a man in my presence because I enjoy affection and intimacy, but those are temporary feelings. I refuse to sacrifice what I can have in the future for a temporary fix right now.
  3. Paid attention to red flags…Anyone who has ever dated someone that ended badly saw the red flags but chose to ignore them. STOP! Red flags are God’s way of saying “RUN FOOL!”.
  4. Understood this was for my good…Life is all about perspective. If you’re constantly looking at your single like as sucky, then that’s exactly what it’ll be. I chose to see how much I was avoiding the nonsense of dating in this situationship culture. I refused to continue to put my heart through unnecessary wear and tear just because I wanted to feel good in the moment. Resisting the temptation was and is for my good.
  5. Loved myself enough…When you love someone, your protect them. Think about if you saw your mom or best friend being treated the way you allow people to treat you, that would make you furious. Why can’t you love yourself that much? I loved myself enough not to continue to damage myself just to fill a temporary void that was emotionally driven. It’s not worth it.

We control our happiness, our peace, and in dating, our clarity. Are you going to choose to allow someone to confuse you, or will you set your own boundaries so you won’t end up anxious and confused? I hope you choose clarity because anything else is too expensive.

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