I Found Love but I Lost Myself


“I didn’t want THE man, I just wanted A man…any man who was decent for that matter.”

I recently went through a breakup and it has been very difficult to deal with. No, he didn’t cheat on me or hit me, that would have made this process way easier. I know everyone thinks when you leave a man he has to have done something but this breakup wasn’t like that. This guy loved my dirty drawers and I loved his. (It’s an expression you guys, I didn’t actually like dirty underwear.) Well why did we break up? Well before him, I had an AWFUL dating life. Every guy I met was trash. They either weren’t looking for anything serious or they only wanted one thing. By the time I met my ex, I was just tired and ready for anyone who wanted something more than sex or to just waste my time. When we met, he was a sweetheart. I could tell he really wanted a relationship with me and I was loving it. We were about one month in when I realized that we really weren’t a good match. Although he wanted to be with me, we didn’t look at life the same and we constantly bumped heads. Instead of ending it, I thought maybe it would get better in the future. He was the first guy in a long time who wanted all of me so I had to fight for it. So that’s exactly what I did. I fought for it. I fought with my friends, I fought with him, and I fought with my family just to have this person by my side that loved me so much. I sacrificed so much about myself just to make it work because although I knew we just weren’t a good fit, I just couldn’t give up the comfort of being in his arms. I loved him and he loved me so I could ignore the weekly yelling matches that sometimes turned into me punching walls. I could ignore the times when he completely shut down and we didn’t talk for over 24 hours. I had gained love, but what was I losing?

“When you find yourself unhappy but in love, is the love even worth your happiness?”

The biggest problem with my previous relationship was that I had no foundation. I didn’t want THE man, I just wanted A man…any man who was decent for that matter. I was so desperate for a relationship that I was willing to sacrifice everything about me just to make it work. No, my ex wasn’t controlling but when we argued about certain things, instead of standing my ground I would compromise for him just to make it work. I just wanted love so bad that I was willing to literally give all of me just to get it. But was it really worth it?

After a while, we have to stop thinking that love is everything to keep a relationship together…

When you’re in any relationship, there will be sacrifice and compromise, but when it begins to change everything about who you are then it isn’t healthy. My friends no longer recognized who I was and after a while, I didn’t even recognize me. Honestly, most times I wasn’t even happy because I didn’t know if I was making all these sacrifices for the relationship or just to please him. I couldn’t even communicate what I wanted anymore because I didn’t know. I was so lost. All I knew was that I loved him and I wanted it to work but how much more did I have to ignore, fight, or sacrifice to make it work? Although he treated me well and I could honestly say he loved me, was that enough to force a relationship to work?

After a while, we have to stop thinking that love is everything to keep a relationship together because it’s not. There are so many people in dysfunctional relationships because “they love each other”, too blind to see that it’s killing the both of them internally. When you find yourself unhappy but in love, is the love even worth your happiness? Is the love worth your peace? Is the love worth yourself? If this love is stealing your joy and identity, maybe it is time to rethink the relationship and figure out where you should go from here.

I understand that it won’t be easy. I am living it so I understand. To leave someone you are in love with because you know it’s unhealthy takes a tremendous amount of courage. I know, I feel more courageous than I have ever felt. But you have to ask yourself, I know I gained love but did I lose myself?

If you choose to take the step and leave, I have made it a bit easier with my new book How to X Your Ex. Get your copy here. It’ll guide you out of that dark place and into some healing. If you don’t even know how to leave, this book will help you with those steps. I hope it helps you like it has helped me in this trying time.

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