“But although I dotted my i’s and crossed my t’s, and obeyed God’s commands, I am still out here single…”
So I know a lot of you guys read my blog because I typically give pretty good advice and I have the answers to those internal questions that you’re too afraid to ask out loud. Well, I’ll lead with the disclaimer that this post will be a little different. Me writing this is a form of therapy for me because this is what I am currently going through. This is like a journal entry for me and I hope that by the time I am done writing that I do have the answers for you and myself. So, let’s see where this goes…
In 2017, my life changed. I was getting out of a bad relationship and I was ready for my new beginning. I was already saved but I wasn’t really a follower of Christ. I had accepted Jesus into my heart but I hadn’t surrendered my life unto Him so that He could make me more Christ like. Well in 2017, I decided to not only accept, but to also surrender and see what being a follower of Christ was all about. Now if I’m being honest, I wanted to know God more but the biggest reason was because I was tired of my life being in shambles; mainly my dating life. My dating history had consisted of a horrible dating cycle tat included…
- Meeting a guy
- Liking him too much too soon
- Having sex with him too quickly (Too quickly was before trust that we wanted the same things were established)
- Him deciding not to choose me as his girlfriend
- Me being sad for a week to a month
- Then meeting someone new
- And the cycle continued…
I knew I was worth more than that and I knew the best way to get the man I deserved was to change my life through Christ.
I had been listening to the story of Megan Good and Devon Franklin and read The Wait so I was pumped and ready to go. I prayed for two hours a day, went to church every Sunday, and attended to bible study every Wednesday. I was celibate and telling every man no because I belonged to the Lordt. (yes, the Lordt, with a t) I just knew my man was coming soon. Megan was celibate for nine months when she started dating Devon and Ciara was celibate for less than a year when Russell proposed so I was looking at my calendar just waiting on my new boo to come through dripping. Well 2017 turned into 2018 and now we’re in 2019 and I am STILL single. I honestly never thought I would reach my two year no sexaversary because I just knew I would be married by now. I also felt bamboozled by this calendar because I’ve been waiting for two years Jesus, I just know you got somebody out here for the kid. But although I dotted my i’s and crossed my t’s, and obeyed God’s commands, I am still out here single.
“The issue with society is they say relationship equals automatic happiness but it doesn’t.”
Let me not make you guys feel like I’m depressed because I am not. I can honestly say that these past two years have produced an incredible woman. I honestly never thought I could be the woman I am today. It shocks me how much God has done a good work in me. I will forever be thankful for my new identity in Christ because God showed out. He has also blessed me in the process. I have been successfully self-employed for two years, my edges are full, my stomach is flat, and I got a brand new car that I asked for years ago. All is not lost but I do still have that lingering question…How long will I be single God?
Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.
Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
These scriptures come to mind when I think about my wait but let’s be honest, sometimes I’m just not trying to hear that. Sometimes, I just need something else to focus on that doesn’t involve me feeling like I’m going to die the cute aunt with the banging body that travels all the time. But as I sit with myself, I had to realize a few things…
- I changed my behavior for me, not to find a man…When I decided to be celibate and 100% single, I did it because I was drained. I was drained mentally and emotionally and I refused to continue the cycle. I knew there was something going on within me that was bigger than finding a man and I knew I needed to fix it. I was unhappy with all aspects of my life because I was so broken. I knew that if I detached from this thing that had way too much of my focus then I would be able to deal with the root of what was causing all this turmoil in my life. So why did you decide to “do everything right”? Why did you decide to leave the dating scene and work on yourself? Your reason couldn’t have been to find a man because let’s be honest, you wouldn’t last a week. Something drove you to want to change so if you focus more on that and less on the fact that you’re single, you’ll realize how great and beneficial this decision was.
- I’m happier now than I was in a relationship…If I’m being honest, the relationships or situationships I constantly found myself in weren’t healthy. I was miserable 85% of the time and just stayed because 1) I didn’t want to deal with the pain of leaving a person I loved 2) I didn’t feel like starting over and going back to being single. But the crazy part was, I wasn’t really happy with the person, I was just happy that I had someone. The issue with society is they say relationship equals automatic happiness but it doesn’t. There are so many people miserable and married because they rushed into it just to satisfy their craving to be in a relationship. I understand better than anyone how it feels to yearn for companionship but am I willing to give up my happiness for it? #NahFam
“I’m picky with the new me.”
- I’m a great catch, I’m just trying to be caught by the right person…If I’m being honest, I have men who are interested but I don’t want just anybody. I’m picky with the new me. It’s easy to let anyone take me out but this isn’t that type of party. I have to be selective because this is fine wine, not Four Loko. Because I understand who I am and what I’m bringing to the relationship, I am very cautious about who I give my time to. This new me took a lot of time to emerge and I can’t just waste it on anyone. This helps me when I begin to compare myself with people who are always in relationships. That could be me too if I wanted it to be but I’m single by choice, not because I’m not great.
- I need my next to be my last…I understand that I can’t control anyone but myself, but I do know with my new found knowledge of self that it’s much easier to discern a right situation from a wrong situation. When you do everything you feel God is telling you to do, (which for me was celibacy, healing, and be completely alone in order to learn how to be content by myself) you gain an unbreakable strength because you refuse to go backwards. This causes you to set strict standards for yourself, especially in dating. Currently, I am not rushing into anything and I am dating for marriage. For this reason, I know it’s going to take long for me to be in a relationship because I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I’m waiting for my husband. I have to remind myself that this isn’t a microwaved dinner, it’s a full course meal so it’s going to take longer. I am now confident in the wife I have become so I know that once my husband does come along, I will be ready for my forever.
Reminding myself of these points help me not complain when I feel like I’ve done everything I could do to be a great woman but I’m still single. I still have my moments when I want to just cuddle and kick it sometimes but preserving myself for the right man is more important to me. I refuse to settle and I definitely refuse to fall back into those old dating patterns. Yes, I did everything I needed to do to be a great woman and I accomplished just that so this process wasn’t in vain. I’ve become the best me I can be. You may still be single but you aren’t still the person you were when you started this process so celebrate that. You went from malt liquor to an expensive wine. Embrace the new you and be protective of her because she’s worth too much to just be given to any ol body.