“We tend to deal with the surface issue when the root is our actual problem.”
Back in my early 20s, I felt like I attracted every F boy in America. For those who don’t know what a F boy is, it’s basically any man that comes into your life to ruin it. He has ill intentions and only thinks about what he wants and will manipulate you to get it then use you up until he’s done. Sounds harsh, I know, but I am sure 99% of women have experienced a man like this at least once in her life. When I was dating these guys, I felt they were all I was attracting. I couldn’t catch a break. It was like a factory line, they just kept coming one after the other. I would ask my friends why I attracted these guys and they basically told me it wasn’t the guys, it was me.
I posted this on IG earlier this month and it basically summed up my dating life in my early 20s. It wasn’t that I only attracted F boys, it was that F boys were who I chose. That’s why my friends told me that it was me and not the men. It was something within me that felt the need to date the same type of man over and over again. It wasn’t until I was 27 that I recognized the why behind the cycle and began to date better men. Once I dug into the why, I learned a lot about myself and began to heal some things within me. Afterwards, not only did I stop choosing the F boy, I also starting attracting better men as well. I won’t go all Iyanla Fix My Life on you in this post but I do want to give you a few pointers on how to attract better men this year.
Make Sure Your Type is a Healthy Option: I had a type and it was just awful. I literally only dated athletes and pretty boys. If he wasn’t one of those two things, he couldn’t even look my way. Don’t judge me, I’ve been delivert. What’s crazy is the type wasn’t my main issue, it was the why behind my type that was the issue. We tend to deal with the surface issue when the root is our actual problem. I grew up feeling worthless because I got rejected a lot. I was bullied and my mom was emotionally distant. When I finally started getting noticed by boys, I wanted the best looking and most popular one because I wanted to be praised. I wanted him to accept me and people to say “Look at her, she has the cutest guy in school” or “Look at her, she’s dating the most popular guy”. This would’ve validated me and made me feel worth it. This was so unhealthy because the reason I wanted these men was shallow and they saw right through that.
So what is your type? Do you only go after a particular guy to fulfill an insecurity in yourself? Maybe you only date rich men because deep down, you’re afraid that you’ll never be successful on your own. Maybe you only date unattractive men because your mom was cheated on and if he is unattractive and you settle, then he won’t cheat on you. Be real with yourself because this is the only way to have your breakthrough and be delivert.
“Many of you are attracting certain guys because you’re only seeing with your eyes and not your heart.”
Make Sure You Have the Proper Selection Process: What criteria are you using to find a guy? When I was in my mess, my only question was is he an athlete, pretty boy, or popular? It was pure bafoolery and shallowness. Nowadays, I don’t necessarily have a checklist but I do have my deal breakers. I can NOT date a man who has no relationship with God. That is my absolute number one. You can have lips like Michael B Jordan, swag like Obama, and a body like The Rock but if you don’t love God then there’s nothing I can do with you. My other deal breaker is I can NOT date a guy with horrible conversation skills. I’m sorry but I’m an excellent conversationalist and after looks fade, I need someone who can entice me intellectually. You can’t do that if you can’t even hold a decent five minute phone conversation. The criteria I judge from now are things that hold longevity. I am dating for a purpose so I can’t be out here choosing based on looks, status, or money, I need a deeper selection process.
Many of you are attracting certain guys because you’re only seeing with your eyes and not your heart. Many men may be looking at you but you’re only looking through your shallow lenses so you’re missing out on some great options. And no, I am not saying settle for someone you are not attracted to. The devil is a liar because I want to be highly attracted to my mate but that is also not my main reason for dating someone. Someone’s intellect can actually make them more attractive to me than a fool with a six pack.
Make Sure What You’re Putting Out Matches What You Want to Bring In: The biggest mistake many women make is putting out the wrong signals. Many people are going to be mad at me about this but I’m your friend and I want to see you win. We can sit here and claim that you can dress how you want and be bent over on IG and the right guy will find you but you’re mistaken. Respectable men don’t respect that. I have several close male friends, some married and some single, and these are attractive men with good jobs and a relationship with God. They will not tell you to your face that the only reason they DM’d you was because you had your nipples out in that IG photo with the hashtag self-love and they wanted some of that “love”. They’re just going to be nice to you until they get what they want then they’re going to hit you with the “It’s not you, it’s me”. I wish I could tell you that men looked beyond the first impressions and wardrobe but most of them don’t. If you want a serious relationship, you have to check how you’re presenting yourself.
I used to dress very sexy and provocative because I have a nice body and I wanted to flaunt it. Once I became more mature, I realized that I can still be sexy and stylish and show less. I’m actually a little more comfortable covered now and saving the goodies for my future boo thang. When I got dressed, I used to text pics to my male friends and ask them what I was giving off and they were so honest with me. I now know what to wear when I want to go out and get free drinks versus what to wear when I want to attract a man who will call me the next day asking for lunch instead of at 4am offering Waffle House and Netflix. It’s not just clothes, it’s also the essence you give off. It starts with how you feel about yourself. Because I love myself, I don’t have to prove it, it shows in my aura. That started when I sat down and figured out my deep insecurities and worked on healing them all. I’m not 100% healed but the more I work on me, the better I become. Now my unicorn essence is poppin when I walk into any room. What is your aura giving off?
“The thing about men is, they can sniff out a desperate woman.”
Make Sure You’re Pacing Yourself: My favorite line back in the day was “But he’s different”. This usually came after me telling my friends about this awesome guy I met two days ago and them saying “But I thought you weren’t dating right now”. I had a serious problem pacing myself because I wanted love so badly. Besides being a hopeless romantic, I really just hated being single. When I met someone, I saw past them and envisioned how happy we would be in our #relationshipgoals photos. This caused me to ignore all red flags and dive head first into the shallow end of the pool. Many women end up in the same cycles with the same men because of their pacing. If every time you meet someone, you go zero to one hundred real quick then no wonder why you’re stuck in the same cycle. You keep doing the same thing hoping for a different result and you’re failing.
The thing about men is, they can sniff out a desperate woman. This is all men, even the good guys. I dated some great guys but my pacing pushed them away because while they were trying to get to know me, I was too busy trying to introduce them to my friends by the second week. No man likes an anxious woman. If he does, it’s because he is anxious to get the nookie or anxious to move in with you because he’s homeless. But a good man wants to pace himself to know he is making the right choice in dating you. So if you’re an eager beaver, slow it down a little so you won’t miss red flags or so you won’t push the guy who actually wants to get to know you away. And I’m not saying put up with the “I’m too busy to see you” or “My phone was dead” guy, those are actually red flags. I’m saying to be patient with the man who is showing genuine interest. If he is consistently calling you and making an effort to see you, don’t throw him off by trying to force him to come to your family function by date three.
I want you to be greater this year than you were last year by being intentional with your dating. I hope this has helped put some things into perspective for you. I am a believer that the right mindset can help you overcome anything. It can even help you attract better men in 2019.
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