I was watching Issa Rae’s hit show Insecure (Shout out to Issa Rae, that show is so dope!) and there was a certain scene that hit home for me. One of the main characters is beautiful, she dresses well, she has a great sense of humor, she super smart, and she is a successful lawyer. Her name is Molly and she poppin but she is having major trouble dating. Every guy she meets just wants sex. She is in her late twenties and she really wants a relationship but she just isn’t having any luck. In this episode, she meets a guy who is a great catch and she really likes him. They are in the bed together and she jokes and says he should leave his clothes at her house so he can go to work from her place. Later in the show, he meets her at an engagement party and when everyone asks if he’s her boyfriend, he says yes to her surprise. They then go sit alone and she asks him if he were serious. He looks at her in confusion and tells her no. She then looks shocked and wants an explanation. He tells her that he felt like she needed a win because she comes off as desperate for a relationship, especially after hinting towards leaving clothes at her place after only knowing her for a few days. She was so embarrassed and upset that she told him to leave.
After seeing this painful scene, I went to Facebook to pose the question “Does a woman’s eagerness to be in a relationship push men away?” After only an hour, I received an overwhelming amount of comments from men screaming “YES”. These weren’t just single men who just want to hit it and quit, of course they would say yes. These were married men, engaged men, and men in relationships. I had to dig deeper and ask why men feel this way. I got a few general answers that summed up the reasons why eagerness pushes good men away.
Men see eagerness as a weakness…
When I asked why, several men said women who are super eager to jump in a relationship with men they just met lack confidence. One married man said
” I think a woman has to be a velvet brick. Approachable, but firm on the values and boundaries that they have set for themselves. When a man tries to cross that boundary, he will hit a wall so to speak, and realize that you are of much more value than whats on the surface.” – Aaron Lewis II
If you are too eager, it is hard to be firm on standards you’ve set for yourself. Most likely, you will ignore all of your standards and be accepting to everything a man comes with because you just want the relationship. Men don’t see this as a confident woman knowing what she wants, they see it as weak and desperate. Men enjoy the chase, they want a challenge. You can’t challenge them if you’re shoving a commitment in their face on day one. If you’re curious about if your being too eager, these are a few signs…
- Thinking of a relationship on the first date
- Trying to change his mind when he told you he wasn’t looking for a relationship
- Constantly asking him “What are we?” after only dating for a few weeks
Some men take advantage of eagerness and get what they want and leave. So either your eagerness is pushing the good guy away or attracting the wolf in sheep clothing but either way, you’re in a bad predicament.
Watch this video on men speaking about what they look for in a wife.
Men question your intent…
Women aren’t the only ones who question intent when dating, men do as well. Men want to know a woman’s motive behind wanting to be in a relationship. Is it because you’re tired of being lonely? Do you just want to make your friends jealous? Do you just like the idea of being in love? If your answer to any of these questions are yes then a good man does’t want that. He prefers to be with a woman who wants to be with him because she took the time to get to know him and decided that he was the man for her. Not because she’s just tired of waiting so she is settling for just any man.
It clouds your own judgement…
Have you ever been so ready for a relationship that you end up with an absolutely horrible person because you ignored all the signs in the beginning? I have. This topic hits home for me because I have been that eager dating beaver. I have ended up in some situations and been taken advantage of because I wasn’t paying attention to the man, I was only paying attention to the possibility of being in a relationship. Being too eager will cause you to ignore everything about a person and you’ll end up six months in realizing you have no idea who you’ve been dating. Don’t allow your eagerness to keep you single or to keep you in an unhealthy dating cycle, slow down and realize that relationships aren’t going anywhere. Your Mr.Right is out there, you just have to be patient.
After getting these very insightful answers, I asked the men what they thought is the best move for a woman eager for a relationship. Should she continue dating and learn to be patient? Or should she take a break from dating and practice the art of being alone? Most men responded that she should keep dating but practice patience. I honestly disagree because I have been there. It is hard to not be eager about something you really want so trying to practice patience is close to impossible for an eager dater. I found that practicing the art of being alone is more helpful (See 5 Signs You’re NOT Ready for a Relationship for more). When you learn to be happy by yourself, you learn a little bit more about yourself which in return boosts your confidence and makes you see your self-worth a little clearer. I do think it’s necessary to keep that patience factor in your head just in case you meet a good guy while learning to be alone. Sometimes love comes when you least expect it so you want to be ready. Just don’t push him away by discussing wedding dresses during the first conversation.
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