You Can’t Love Him into Loving You


“You can’t force anyone to love you, no matter how hard you love them.”

Anyone who knows me, knows I’m an over thinker. I can make a thought a scripted thriller in my brain in less than five minutes. It’s a gift and a curse because on one hand, I am extremely creative and a problem solver. On the other, I can become overly emotional about my perception of a situation because of a false scenario I have created in my head. Over the years, I have matured enough to know that not all of my thoughts are facts and sometimes, I’m just overthinking. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I thought I should keep this because some of you over thinkers have been ruining relationships because of your inability to separate a false scenario in your head from the truth. Any who, in one of my over thinking modes, I began to think about past relationships and situationships that didn’t work out and left me highly upset with my feelings hurt while the guy just went about his life as if it were just another Tuesday. What was weird about these dating scenarios were the guy’s actions. He said and did everything that a guy really interested in a woman would do. He initiated texts and phone calls, he set up dates, he said words of endearment, we talked about what we wanted in a spouse, and even spoke about planning future vacations and outings. But then we hit a snag, maybe a small disagreement, and instead of trying to reconcile and come to a common ground about the disagreement in order for us to move forward, the guy would just fall back or act like it was no biggie. This would lead to him falling off on communication and eventually being just another stranger I used to know. So what happened? I know what you’re thinking, he’s married and out here living double lives because these men can’t be trusted. Although that is true in some cases, I started thinking about it from another angle.

“Your heart can’t be fed if it’s closed…”

I have always been a pretty open person. I am very transparent and direct and I don’t do gray areas so everything is pretty black and white. When it comes to dating, my heart is normally open about 75%. I realized that I had never trusted anyone with my heart 100% because of the amount of times I’ve had my feelings hurt. This helps me to bounce back faster than someone whose heart was open 100%. It’s like gambling, if someone puts 100% of their chips on the table then loses, they are going to be way more crushed than the person that only bet 75%. It’ll hurt the 75 percenter but not as much as that person who just lost everything. This is how many people go into dating nowadays. They go in with partially open hearts and wonder why they have never had a truly unshakable connection with anyone. I’ve been able to feel a lot of emotion and attachment for people because I have been 75% open, but what about those people who are only 20% open? Your heart can’t be fed if it’s closed, hence the title Closed Hearts Don’t Get Fed.

It begins with vulnerability. Merriam Webster says vulnerability is being open to attack or damage. It sounds pretty scary doesn’t it? Another definition is capable of being physically or emotionally damaged. It still doesn’t sound like something anyone would want to be apart of. But why do some people choose do it? Because it allows an individual the freedom to love and feel at heights that are unimaginable. If you haven’t opened up your heart enough to be vulnerable, not only are you closing out the chance for pain, but you’re also closing out the chance to be joyously happy. I’ve heard so many people say “I’m too nice” or “I give too much” or “I love too hard” and I disagree with every one of those statements. The truth is, you can never love too hard or be too good to people, that is what we are put on this earth to do. But you can learn to discern who you need to give your love and kindness to and to what capacity.

“Darling you, can give but you cannot take love.”

So many times we meet individuals who are obviously cold hearted and shut down emotionally but we choose to think that our love is big enough for both people and that’s absolutely not true. As the poetic and beautiful Jhene Aiko said, “Darling you, can give but you cannot take love.” You can’t force anyone to love you, no matter how hard you love them. We have to get out of this disillusioned state that tells us that we can love someone so much that they will eventually see that love and want to change. That is completely false and you’re only hurting yourself. They aren’t even open enough to receive the love you’re giving them. Their heart is only open 25% while yours is open 80% so when it all falls apart, guess who will be left devastated while the other moves on into a relationship or marriage the next week? Closed hearts don’t get fed so if that individual is only giving you their surface, then they aren’t invested enough to receive any care you’re attempting to give to them.

And how do you know when they are closed? Simple, pay attention to the conversation and their actions. Some people are man enough or woman enough to tell you that they aren’t as open to love as you are. Respect those people and make your next move your best move. If you are ready for a full fledged 100% love,  exit stage left. But if you’re still trying to figure it out, maybe you can survive in their gray area for a bit but please don’t expect anything. That only sets you up for failure. Other ways of knowing is by how much a person chooses to open up. Do they tell you about their past hurts or failures? Or is their only conversation about how someone else dogged them out? Do they try to tap into you inner thoughts about how certain things make you feel? Or when you feel a certain kind of way you are afraid to bring it up because you feel it may end your situationship? Does every time a deep conversation about feelings come up, you find yourself leading the conversation and the other person just nodding or listening without sharing their emotions? These are all sign that this person either isn’t ready to open up their heart or they just don’t want to.

“We have to get out of this disillusioned state that tells us that we can love someone so much that they will eventually see that love and want to change.”

Now don’t be mad at these individuals because honestly, a closed heart is only a defense mechanism. Something has happened to them that stole their innocence and openness. Instead of risking being hurt like that again, they’ve decided to close their hearts because being vulnerable means being open to attack or damage. They don’t teach a class on emotional intelligence in school so many of us are just winging it. These individuals have ceased to figure out the best solution and have just settled for putting extreme walls up to avoid the risk of a broken heart.

Disclaimer, not everyone who exhibits these characteristics have a closed heart. Some people just may not want to be open with you because they don’t want anything serious with you. Either way, take your open heart elsewhere because it’s not going to end in a love story where they suddenly realize you’re what they’ve been missing so now they’re open to love. Lies! That’s a scenario you’ve created in your head. The reality of the situation is they’re just not as open as you so choose yourself and walk away to avoid unnecessary heartbreak or hurt feelings. Remember, closed hearts don’t get fed so they can’t receive anything you’re giving to them. Focus on investing in people whose heart is just as open as yours.

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