It is New Years Eve and time to set some resolutions. Well ladies, let me help you out with a few. If you want to maintain your sanity in 2016, I have five men that you should NOT have sex with like ever. If these men come into your life, please run for cover because the outcome won’t be pretty.
5) The Judgementalist: Have you ever met a guy who constantly judged women? He usually has Instagram posts that usually lead with “All women do is…” and he constantly wants to one up you on the awfulness of women when you say anything bad about men. Please stay away from him. Deep down inside he hates women. He is still bitter from when his 5th grade crush marked no when he sent her the “Will you be my girlfriend?” note. He will constantly try to make you prove your worthiness to him no matter how great you already are. Please walk away now and DO NOT give him the goodies!
4) Hover-Boarders: If I see another grown man riding a hover board in a public place I am am going to hit him with it! Hover boards were meant for recreational purposes. They’re like a skateboard, you ride it as a hobby then put it down once you go back to your daily life. For some reason, men in 2015 can’t separate recreation from reality because hover boards have now met the pulpit and that is a major problem. A man with a hover board is okay but if he takes it to the mall, to the gym, and to workout…you’re dating a child! Do not give him the cookie, don’t even give him your time. He needs to grow up.
3) Dirty Sprite Advocates: Okay I am a Future fan and I love his music for partying purposes but some of these men have taken his music to heart. They live as if the album is their life. They find motivation in the lyrics. Not the positive motivation you want a man to have, it is the complete opposite of that. Dirty Sprite only motivates men to have sex with multiple women while being high on Adderall mixed inside their Sprite. (I am guessing that’s what dirty Sprite is because I have absolutely no idea.) These men usually have no future and they live vicariously through Future the rapper. Say no to his D!
2) IG Flexers: These men are really self explanatory. These are the fellows found holding stacks of money to their ears or snapping pictures of their empty champagne bottles from the club. Just stay away ladies. This man is so self-centered that he only wants a woman so he can “do it for the Gram”. He won’t care about you or your accolades, only how fat that butt is so he can post you and say “My bih badder than yours!” Decline the D! All you’ll be left with is the taste of champagne and memories of awful conversations about the new Balenciagas he’s about to cop next week.
1) Middle Fingerers: And my least favorite, the men who still “flip birds” in their pictures. Sir, do you have nothing else to do with your hands in the picture than to use your middle finger? Have you ever thought to just put your hands beside you or behind your back? What are you trying to prove? You’re basically telling everyone who views the picture “Fu** you!” Well fu** you too sir! Ladies, please refrain from giving him the nookie.