I am currently getting a master’s degree in Positive Psychology in order to better argue with my haters and hit them with these scientific facts. This quarter, I am taking a course on the Science of Happiness. During this course, I came across an article from The Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley entitled “How to Stop Attachment Insecurity from Ruining Your Love Life”. This article discusses the attachment theory. This theory basically says that how intimate and secure you were as a child with your relationship with your parents will judge how intimate and secure you are in your adult relationships. In layman’s terms, if you weren’t secure with your relationship with your father or mother, you will most likely be very insecure when developing relationships with men. For years, I always wondered if my daddy issues were real or if I was just using them as an excuse. Well theories like the attachment theory proves that if you were missing a father or a mother in your life, you will be more prone to have issues developing attachments in your adult relationships. So daddy issues are real but you don’t have to be held captive by them. If you don’t know if you have a flawed attachment style due to your relationship with your parents, let’s take a look at the four general attachment styles.
- Secure: “Being close is easy!” This is what we all want to be, secure in our relationships. These are individuals who are completely fine with getting close to new people. They probably had a great relationship with their parents so they don’t fear getting too close with people will harm them. I can now relate to this attachment style but it wasn’t until I recognized that I wasn’t so secure in the past that I was able to move towards security.
- Anxious-preoccupied: “I want to be emotionally intimate with people, but they don’t want to be with me!” These are normally the women who yell “All ni**as ain’t ish!” because they have an actual belief that no one wants to love like they do. This was where I started. My father not being there made me believe no other man would be there either so I built an emotional wall. This wall made me overly cautious to all men and when I did open up, I was so anxious to move the relationship along that I sabotaged it. I couldn’t go with the flow because if I felt that the man wasn’t moving as quickly as I wanted them to then that meant he didn’t want to be emotionally intimate with me. This prompted me to subconsciously be overbearing which in the end pushed men away.
- Dismissive-avoidant: “I’d rather not depend on others or have others depend on me!” These are typically women who say things like “I don’t need a man for anything!” or women who say “I don’t have a lot of friends because they can’t be trusted.” They may think they’re protecting themselves from pain by blocking everyone from coming into their life but they are also keeping happy out. It has been scientifically proven that people with more friends are happier. Individuals who pride themselves on not having close friends or someone special in their life are really living a life of misery. This isn’t strength, it is actually a weakness.
- Fearful-avoidant: “I want to be close, but what if I get hurt?” These are women who are normally a great catch but they are too afraid to put themselves out there in order to be caught. They have either suffered great pain brought on by other people or repeated pain brought on by one person. Either way, they have pretty much given up on love and would rather just be alone to avoid being hurt again. If this is you, you’re only hurting yourself because true misery is having no company. (I just made that up, I did that!)
So what does all this mean? I believe that knowledge is power and the more you know about yourself, the better you that you can work towards becoming. If you feel like your attachment style doesn’t fit secure, you have some work to do. You can first begin by reading up on the theory. You don’t have to read in depth but just gain a little knowledge by clicking the link of the original article up top or you can Google it. The more you know the why behind the way you act, the easier it’ll be to change. Next, you can try to befriend people who have secure attachment styles. These are typically people who have a lot of friends and are really open to everyone who crosses their path. They will be open to share with you how having many close acquaintances makes them happy and how you can move towards it too.
There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable and putting yourself out there to gain new friends and new encounters. It’ll not only make for a better you, but a happier you as well. This in return can improve your love life. Why not break bad habits and break into some love as well? Yep, that was cheesy but I like it.