“If you continue to date for completion, you’ll never find someone you feel is right for you because an internal void can’t be filled by an external being.”
It is the end of 2017 and it’s about time for everyone to begin creating their New Year’s resolutions. Of course it’ll be filled with weight loss plans, read more books, drink less, and many other things we know should really start now but we postpone for our “new year new me” mantra. Well this year, I actually don’t have any resolutions. I had a wonderful 2017. Not everyday was great but overall, God blessed me tremendously. In the midst of becoming celibate and getting stretched and pulled by God to grow quickly, I began to analyze my single life. In the past, I absolutely hated being single. I don’t know where my grievance for single spawned from but I knew it was there. Well this year was completely different. I was actually content being alone. I could finally see why being single was so necessary in my life because there were areas I had to grow alone that I couldn’t have focused on while being with someone. But why did it take me so long to realize that? I think it had a lot to do with my belief system. I had several false beliefs about my single status that kept me looking at it negatively. When I was able to really examine these beliefs, I realized how foolish I was being. The main 5 beliefs I will go over kept me unhappily single for years. Well I have kept you in suspense long enough, here are the 5 false beliefs I hope all singles leave in 2017.
5. People in relationships are happier…If this isn’t a lie from the pits of hell! I think when we’re single and lonely, we completely forget how much work it takes to be in a relationship. You have to consider the feelings of someone else at all times. Even times when you want to be selfish and you want to put yourself first. You can’t be selfish because there is an entire person you have to consider. Social media has truly screwed the brain of many singles because #relationshipgoals have taken over. But take it from someone who was extremely unhappy in a relationship but posting my significant other every week; everything that glitters isn’t gold. Just because IG posts seem happy, that doesn’t mean these people actually are. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some people who are extremely happy in their relationship. I know many married couples personally and they inspire me, but I don’t envy what they have. I know my time is coming so I can’t think that a relationship is going to make me happier than being single. If you view it that way, you really should prolong your life of single season because you’re not searching for a mate, you’re actually searching for happiness.
4. You need someone to be whole…I love a good R&B song like no other. I jam to Tank, Trey Songz, Sammie (yes I listen to Sammie and his latest album was amazing), Dru Hill, Jagged Edge, Silk…you get the picture, I can go on all day. These songs have lyrics that say things like “You complete me” or “I can’t live without you”. It sounds good in a song but in real life, if you told a therapist that, they would probably put you on suicide watch. Yes, I am exaggerating but seriously think about it. Think about what it means when you say someone completes you or you can’t live without someone. That means you’re incomplete and you don’t have all the necessary parts to function in daily life without someone. Or if you can’t live without them, you’re just going to die if they leave? I know these lyrics aren’t literal but that’s how many singles live. They search for someone to fill a void in their life when that void should be filled while you’re alone. If you continue to date for completion, you’ll never find someone you feel is right for you because an internal void can’t be filled by an external being. Soul search by yourself before trying to bring someone else into the picture. No one else can make you whole, you have to be whole by yourself.
3. You’re running out of time…I don’t know why people put so much pressure on themselves to rush to marriage and babies. It seems like there’s some clock I don’t know about that people are scurrying to beat. But why? Is it because your mom wants grandkids? Are all your friends getting married? Are people questioning if something is wrong with you? Well you can direct them all to the area beneath your back and tell them they can politely kiss it. Who cares what people think?! I am 28 and I don’t plan to have kids until I’m 35. People look at me crazy when I say it but they’ll be hating when I’m running around with this Angela Bassett body at 45 because I’m in shape from chasing toddlers. There is no clock, live your life. You aren’t out of time until you’re dead. Rushing to get in a relationship or marriage is like rushing to make it somewhere on time. If you rush, you’re going to forget something at home or you won’t look you best and you risk hurting yourself on the way because you’re speeding and overthinking. But if you take your time, you will get there safely and calmly, with the ability to consciously think everything through and look your best while doing it. Live your life and don’t allow others to tell you when you need to get married and have babies.
“You are not obligated to make everyone you meet your husband or wife.”
2. You may have to settle…I need yawl to lean in and listen really closely while I try not to catch the Holy Ghost while typing this. Stop allowing people to tell you that what you want in a relationship is too much. Stop allowing people to project their insecurities onto you because they’re miserable in their sunken place relationship. Ladies, stop allowing men to call you crazy, high maintenance, or boujee just because you refuse to settle for trash treatment. I really wish they had the clap emoji because I’d clap all up and through here. What you want is what you want. If someone comes into your life and they fit the profile of your perfect guy or girl, then give it time and let it blossom. They will have flaws, that’s why I said YOUR perfect guy or girl versus THE perfect guy. But if someone comes into your life and they don’t offer anything on your list of wants, then politely tell them it was nice meeting them and move on. You are not obligated to make everyone you meet your husband or wife. That’s why it’s a billion people on this earth. If one doesn’t work, then try it again with another. Stop thinking you have to settle just because your friends settled and are telling you what you want is too much. No, you were smart enough to be patient and wait for God’s best. Let them have their good enough and you wait for your greatness.
1.You can date the same way and get different results…So one of my main goals for this blog is to empower women and men to be better singles by recognizing patterns and self-defeating behaviors. This is why I’m so open with my life because I have been through so much dating and I don’t want you to go through what I have gone through. What I express is not something I have read, this is stuff that I have lived. With that being said, if you have had a bad dating life for the past five plus years, it’s not them, IT’S YOU. I am blessed to be very self-aware but I am also very hard headed. For years, I kept dating the same type of guy and wondering why I kept getting played. When I finally became aware, I thought I could still date the same way but since I had knowledge of what I was doing wrong, then it would yield different results. That’s like a reformed alcoholic going into a bar after going to an AA meeting. Do you really think they’re not going to drink? Knowledge is only power when you apply it. It wasn’t until I applied what I knew and completely switched up my dating habits that my luck actually changed. Stop thinking you can date the exact same way and get a different result, it’s impossible. I know it’s hard to change because it’s uncomfortable but my favorite quote is “Get comfortable being uncomfortable”. That is the only way change will happen. If you need more details, I’ll be happy to answer emails on how to stop dating f boys and girls. I do speak f boy fluently you know.
Well this is my two cents on dating in the new year. I hope some of you add this to your resolutions and help to make the world a better place. I’m tired of this share a guy culture we live in. Bring back self-worth and dignity! Let’s be better in 2018.