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5 Dating Tips I Wish I knew Sooner

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“When someone shows you their red flags, believe them.”

If you’ve read most of my blogs, you’ll know that I’m big on self-awareness. I believe that self-awareness is the beginning of breakthrough because you can’t fix something you’re not aware of. Self-awareness is understanding who you are and what your areas of improvements are as well. Most of my areas of improvements show up in my dating life. I don’t know why God saw fit to make my dating life suffer like this but I’ll keep digging so I can pull out wisdom to help others.

Recently, I’ve been investigating why I’m single. It would  take about 20,000 words for me to explain all that so I’ll spare you. But I did realize a bunch of dating mistakes I made consistently to keep me single. I wish I had my current self-awareness sooner because I could be married by now. Hopefully, I can help someone going through this currently. Here are 5 dating tips I wish I knew sooner.

If you’re stuck single, you’re probably stuck in a cycle….

I’ve had to break several dating cycles in my lifetime. It’s crazy that we can be suffering from multiple dating cycles at once. My first one involved my addiction to sex which you can hear more about in my From Sex Addict to Celibate post. My next cycle involved my anxious attachment style which was me getting prematurely attached to men due to childhood trauma. My current cycle I’m breaking is my horrible taste in men. I was able to discover each cycle by taking time to analyze my dating life after each failed attempt at dating. This is why taking time after a breakup is extra important. The best view is retrospect and you won’t have that view if you don’t take time to yourself after each breakup. If you’ve been dating for a while with no luck of finding a mate, it may be time to analyze your love life and see if you’re stuck in a cycle. Do all the people you date seem to be the same? Does it typically end around the same amount of time? Are their similarities in the way they end? Ask yourself these questions and be honest with yourself. If you’re stuck in a cycle, you’ll continue to have bad results in dating until you break it.

Their red flags are cracks in their representative…

We are all guilty of ignoring a red flag or two but we have to stop this. After dating a plethora of representatives back to back, I will now be calling out all red flags and cutting men off when I don’t like their red flag explanation. Most of us know that a representative is the fake person someone pretends to be to impress you in the beginning of dating. Recently, that is all I’ve dated. I haven’t dated someone operating outside of their representative since 2017 and that’s sad. But I’ll take the blame because I saw the  true them in their red flags but I ignored it. Red flags are usually the true person but we ignore them because we’re enjoying the representative so much. Listen, stop this cycle because it’ll only continue to disappoint you and you’ll break your own heart. When someone shows you their red flags, believe them.

Trust first, invest emotionally later…

When you really want a relationship, you start to romanticize each person you meet in hopes that they’ll be the answer to your prayers. Unfortunately, this just leads you to investing into an unfit match prematurely. Going back to my struggle with anxious attachment, I would attach myself to men who were no good just because they did one nice thing and I really wanted them to be “the one”. The issue with investing before trusting is you cling to an idea of someone instead of the reality. When the reality turns out to be something you don’t like, you’ll struggle to let it go because you’ve already invested emotionally. You have to discipline yourself into slowing your pace, even when you want a relationship really badly. It’ll save you time and energy in the long run.

Know exactly what you want…

Have you ever gone into the grocery store hungry? You will pick up any and everything because you’re allowing your hunger to control you. You’ll then get home and realize you don’t want or need half the stuff you picked up. But because you were aimlessly picking out of hunger, you did the most. The same goes for dating. When you’re hungry for companionship but you haven’t decided if you want something casual, serious, a friend with benefits, etc, you’ll just pick up any ol thang. For a long time, I would misconstrue what I actually wanted with what was readily available. I wanted a serious relationship but since all the men I was meeting weren’t serious relationship type men, I convinced myself that I just wanted something casual. That is what we call hustling backwards. Understand what you want so you can reject what you don’t. Again, it’ll save you time and energy.

“For a long time, I would misconstrue what I actually wanted with what was readily available.”

Date with intention…read it again and let in marinate

I recently realized that I said I dated with intention but I was lying. It was a blindspot because I thought my  actions were matching my words but they weren’t. I said I was dating for marriage but I was entertaining men I wouldn’t marry. Again, I was hustling backwards. I get it, it’s hard to go for what you want when it seems like all you meet is what you don’t want. But you have to remember, all you need is one person. This also goes for the people who want something casual. Stop dating people you know want something serious. Even if you tell them you’re not looking for that and they say okay, that okay doesn’t mean they no longer want something serious. It means they hope they can change your mind. Be honest and just let it go. Too many people are being scorned by dating because people aren’t being intentional about stating exactly what they need from their mate. Tell the truth so you can get what you need and also avoid hurting your own feelings or hurting someone else’s.

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