“Parents shape how we perceive the world but more importantly, how we perceive ourselves.”
In my popular post 3 Signs You’re Dating a Man With Mommy Issues, I gave a brief description of what it looks like when a woman has daddy issues. As I read through it, I realized that I hadn’t dedicated a full post to these descriptions. So that is what this post is all about; breaking down what it looks like when a woman has daddy issues. Now let’s get this clear, men too can have daddy issues. I’ve dated a few men with them and Lord knows it was torture but today, we aren’t speaking on the men. This is about signs of daddy issues in women because they look totally different in women than they do in men. But before we jump into the signs of daddy issues, let’s talk about the definition.
What exactly are daddy issues? Daddy issues aren’t just the absence of a father. It occurs when the emotional relationship of a father and child is tarnished in some way. That can be through death, absence, inconsistency, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, etc. Parents shape how we perceive the world but more importantly, how we perceive ourselves. In most cases, women are closer to their sons emotionally and men are closer to their daughters emotionally. This is why when a woman has a missing father or tarnished relationship with her dad, it effects how she perceives herself heavily and bleeds over into her dating life. When a woman never gets to see what it feels like to have a man love her unconditionally, it can have many negative affects on her mental and emotional well being. This is why symptoms of daddy issues show up more when a woman is dating. Her interaction with men is a reflection of how she interacted (or did not interact) with the man who was supposed to love her first; her father. Now that we have covered what daddy issues are, here are 5 clear signs that you have daddy issues.
“Contrary to popular belief, a man is not supposed to be your everything.”
- You Move Really Quickly When Dating…When we have a void, we tend to try to fill it really quickly because the emptiness of dealing with that void daily is painful. Let me give a practical analogy. Have you ever been really hungry? You start craving all kind of stuff. You start wanting stuff you normally wouldn’t eat because you just want to fill that void where food is supposed to be by any means necessary. That’s how it feels when you have daddy issues. The void is unconditional love from a man and you’re hungry for that love. So hungry that you’ll try to fill it by any means necessary, sometimes by stuff you don’t even like. You meet a guy and on the first date you’re wondering if your family would like him and if it’s too soon to invite him to Thanksgiving Dinner. You tell yourself he’s different and with some people you just click. But in reality, it’s just to support your eagerness to settle down and fill that void. Deep down, you know that you’re moving way too fast and something is off but you refuse to acknowledge it because you’re hungry to fill that void. So you go with your speedy pace and he ends up just like that last few failed dating attempts and you tell yourself you’ll slow down but then you meet someone again and “he’s different” too and the cycle continues.
- You are Very Irrational With Your Emotional Expectations From a Man…Contrary to popular belief, a man is not supposed to be your everything. If he’s your everything then if he leaves, that means you’ll have nothing. Have you ever seen the movie Why Did I Get Married? (Spoiler Alert) Jill Scott’s character is left devastated after her husband leaves her for her best friend. She then says something along the lines of “He was my everything, I have nothing without him.” This is what happens when you put too many emotional expectations on men in your life and that’s typically what women with daddy issues do unintentionally. You begin to want him to make you happy 100% of the time and if he doesn’t, you spiral out of control into an emotional wreck. I remember times when I had just started to date a guy and if he wouldn’t text me back or call me within a few hours, I would go nuts. I’d cry and wonder why he was ignoring me. I’d blow his phone up and jump to the conclusion that he was ignoring me. Then he’d respond that he was sleep or working or just busy living life and I’d feel like a complete idiot because why was I acting this way. It was because I was expecting him to fill my void and emotional needs that I’d had since before him although that was never his job.
“When a woman never gets to see what it feels like to have a man love her unconditionally, it can have many negative affects on her mental and emotional well being.”
- You Require Too Much Too Soon From Men You’re Dating…You meet him Monday, you want him to ask you to be his girl by Wednesday, and profess his love by Friday because that’s what he’s supposed to do if he really likes you right? Wrong! I’m not saying people can’t fall in love that fast but I am saying that it shouldn’t be the expectation of every man you encounter. The thing is, most women with daddy issues develop this thing called Abandonment Schema. It is when you feel like everyone who loves you will leave. People tend to have 1 or 2 responses to Abandonment Schema. They either distance themselves from all love and connections or they cling really hard to every man they meet. If you you tend to be very clingy in relationships and want a title in the first week, this could be you. Your mind has tricked you into believing that all men leave like your dad and the only way to show that they truly care is to love you really hard really fast. Unfortunately, most men don’t work this way and you’re breaking your own heart expecting this.
- You Search For Validation in Men…Your best friends tell you that you’re beautiful, your mom says it, random female strangers say it, but if you don’t hear it from a man then you don’t think it’s true. I suffered from this so heavily in my early 20s. I would get so many compliments from people but when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see or believe it. The only way to feel some sort of happiness or validation was when the guy I liked reaffirmed what everyone was saying. Some of you reading this may be in denial that this is you because of your inability to self asses but let me give you another example. You ever needed something or needed advice about something. You vented to your friends and they offered you a free meal and a night out. They even typed up a plan of action for your issue but you politely declined and still felt miserable. But all of a sudden the guy you like texted or called you and gave you that same plan of action but not as detailed and offered you less than your friend and you said yes to him and suddenly felt happy. It is because you value a man’s opinion and encouragement more than a woman’t because you yearned for that from your father.
“…so I just went and got me another guy because I didn’t want to face the feeling of alone.”
- You Refuse to Stop Dating and Just Be Alone…This is the one most women ignore and/or will never admit. This is really one of the most sure ways to tell if a man or woman has daddy issues…their inability to be alone. You’ve suffered heartbreak after heartbreak with the exact same storyline. You meet someone, they sell you a dream, you fall for it, they fall back, and the cycle continues. Then in the midst of that, you tell yourself that you’re no longer dating but then the devil sends you someone right after you make this declaration and you decide to give it one more shot. This time, it’s with someone you wouldn’t normally go for and you start to tell yourself your standards are too high and you need to just reduce them so you can be with this person (That’s called settling in case you were wondering). Then he turns out to be the opposite of what you thought and you realize you never should’ve done this. You should’ve just been single but now you feel like you’re unable to leave this relationship so you just stay. You’re probably thinking “How does she know?!” Well I used to be you. I dated in the same cycle for years and kept attracting and being attracted to the same exact kind of guys until I settled into a relationship that broke me down. But even before that, I knew I should take a break but I didn’t know how. It’s because I was hungry to fill that void and when it wasn’t filled, I felt like I was starving and the hunger pangs I experienced were too much to handle so I just went and got me another guy because I didn’t want to face the feeling of alone.
So what now? I just read your life and you now realize that you surely do have daddy issues but what are you supposed to do about it? See my post Conquering Daddy Issues for answers.
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